My new chapter

I'm entering a new chapter in my life very soon...

I'm going to be a mom.

Next month actually. I can hardly believe it. But ready or not, it's happening. I'm excited, nervous, uncertain...but mostly excited. It's a whole new adventure I have learned to embrace. I know it will be one of my great accomplishments. I say one of my accomplishments because I plan on having many. She will probably be my greatest.
One thing I have learned this year since my whole journey through finding out I'm pregnant, dealing with trials and situations and people and pregnancy in general, is to live without regrets. If anyone asked me what my biggest piece of advice to them would be in my measly 20 years of existing, it's to live without regrets. Nasty little things they are. Not worth it either. Accepting things that I cannot change, and not regretting them. Because what's done is done, and why should I live in the past, and keep going over and over the things I could have done or wished I'd done. Doesn't matter anymore. Make decisions based on whether you will regret it or not. I know it's impossible to always know, but when I'm faced with a decision I have regretted in the past, I try not to repeat history and leave myself with one less regret.

As I sit here typing my stomach is moving up and down and side to side. There is a very active little person in there, and I can't wait to meet her.
This little person has made me grow up a lot these past months. Made me think carefully about my choices that will not only affect me, but her as well. Made me see a lot about myself and the people around me. I have gone through more than an average 20 year old has probably gone through, but I have learned a lot through it all.

No more regrets...

Learning to heal.

I don't know about you, but I still love Superchick. Their songs still pop in my head every once in awhile and they have such truth. Here is a line I thought of the other day: "It's not about success, life is not a test. You don't pass or fail, you just do your best."

I feel like many people view life as a test. Obviously we want to do the best we can do in this life, but there is no passing and failing life. God just wants us to be completely abandoned to Him. He just wants our hearts...our love. I've been learning this slowly but surely. I have run from God for so long, and even some days I still reject His gentle call. Once I'm in His presence I wonder why I run from Him. Someone who wants to love on me, and never reject or hurt me, and I STILL reject Him.

I have to take my life about a week at a time right now. Looking ahead is not only scary, worrisome, and overwhelming, it's not an option right now. There are things I need to figure out in certain cases about what to do in a few months and what not but as far as my cares and concerns and hopes and wishes....I have to put them in a box, and on the shelf. Or I drive myself insane. Not only on the shelf, but to God. Now is the time for me to let God just take my heart and begin his healing and mending on it. It's been a long time coming too. I have run from healing because I didn't want to heal, or was too bitter and angry, or didn't know how. Circumstances I have found myself in lately honestly have just led me back to Him, and to healing. Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to get something, sometimes it takes a little. It took a lot for me.

Remembering to rest in His grace and mercy. To give my anger, hurts and fears to Him. To enjoy the moment I have before me, right now. Anger and bitterness, for too long, has gotten in the way of my joy. I have held on to past situations and hurts and anger I had for people or for things people had done to me, and I have only hurt myself through it. It's time to let go of the past. The past is just a ball and chain that slows me down from getting to whats next before me and from my joy and peace. And anything God has planned for me or wants to do in me. I'm ready to let go and not torture myself anymore. Yes, we all have things we wish we could change, or go back and make something different. But reminding myself of that everyday when I wake up, or every time I see someone or see a reminder, how can I really live?

I struggle with a lot of things. I struggle with self worth. Needing approval from others, or from a certain friend, or someone I love. Obviously I want people to like me and want to be around me, but that's not the most important thing. How people think of me or see me. I can tell you now, people are going to view me in many ways in the next month and many of those ways won't be good. But that doesn't define me. It's not who I am, who I was, who I will be.

I know God's healing me through this, and healing people involved and around me. If I let Him, He can work in an amazing way. And I want to let Him. Cause I'm tired, and I've tried everything else. And I'm ready to be free, and find redemption, and love more. I can't control what will happen. Only a few things will for sure happen in the coming months and that's all I can focus on. And focus on letting God heal me, and better me. I've had to let go of control, or expectations, or dreams... It's been possibly one of the hardest things I've done and I'm not even through it yet. There is so much more coming, and it's gonna be hard, but I need to trust.

Learn to heal, to trust, to hope...to love.

I am ready to break.

Even though I just finished writing a research paper, I'm back at writing. Writing a bunch of facts and arguing a point is different than writing feelings and thoughts. So here I go...
There is a point in life when I feel something that feels like it is possible for everything to work out. And then I get thrown into a tail spin and I'm falling fast, in circles. In the past year, I have given into that tail spin, and chose to fall so very fast. I fell into many places...places I thought I'd never fall into. I was vulnerable, insecure, raw. It was easier to fall, than to fly. And sometimes thats just how it is, but not how it should be.
Anyway, I fell a lot, and a lot of the time did not get back up. I crawled and ran into things. Sometimes I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was looking at. A mirror reflection doesn't tell all though, just the outer, when so much could be happening inside. The inside I never even looked into to find out what was going on. I guess I didn't care. That being said, I still have a hard time waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. However, I always do. Somewhere there is a drive inside me that even I cannot find to break it.
But I am ready to break. Find a new way of doing things, of living, of seeing, of being. I am ready to break.
Twice today I thought I would break, but I have found myself being strong, or not easily pushed down. Pushed down by words, or circumstances, or situations. I have been angry. I have been upset. But I have not acted on them, and I did not break because of them. Do I want to? Yes. Do I want to quit on everything? Yes. Do I want to run away? Yes. Yes yes yes. I want all of that. So much. But I will not. If everyone broke and ran away when things became so dark, how could they ever find the dawn? Or a sunrise, or just a glimpse of one? Hope does not really seem to be around, but it doesn't mean I can't go look for it. Yes, it all looks impossible. So impossible.

I keep getting sucked back in, over and over and over again to the same way of doing, or the same places.   I can't keep doing that anymore. I know and admit I've been wrong or have done wrong. I know. I know not everything I want will happen. I know trying to make it happen feels like dying. I know I wake up in the morning with hardly any energy or drive to get up or to care. I know not everyone cares. I know people are hurt, and care only for themselves. I know best that there is a bigger picture to everything than what I see...or what anyone sees. I know to just breathe. Breathe through the pain, the tears, the jaded words, the anger, the hate, the dark... All that there is to do right now in this moment is to do just that. Breathe.

Real

I guess I always knew I was a different child. Runs in the family I suppose. Maybe. I spent my childhood being serious before my time, thinking and feeling way beyond what I should have at my age. I was ok with being alone, and playing alone.
Sometimes when I read a book, or watch a movie I get so caught up in the characters life I forget I have a life of my own. Sometimes, I'd rather be caught up in someone else's life, because I can't seem to get mine right.
I've accepted that most things are complicated. Even if they are described as plain and simple. I know there are consequences to everything, but sometimes I forget to care. I believe there are many ways to accomplish something, to get somewhere, and not all of them are right, or wrong. There's no one right way, because everyone is different, and has been raised different, and experienced different things. So the way one person views the world, and succeeds, will be different than how someone else views and succeeds...or fails.
Most people forget to be real. At least the ones I have met. I know a real person when I meet one, the person is always interesting, has a story(good or bad), and has succeeded, or traveled, or failed, or tried, or messed up many times. There's nothing wrong with talking about the Lord, or meditating, or quoting, or thinking about, or sharing...but most times people forget to be real. Anyway.
I'd like to go to Russia. I'd like it very much. So many things excite and fascinate me about it and I'm not sure why.
I feel like in everything we want to do in life there's always a give and take, a want and a need, and a sacrifice for the things that are important. One or the other, not both. Not both and not fair. Consequences to our actions.
Isn't it funny though, how a movie isn't interesting unless there is a huge overcoming for the character? A good plot, a good struggle or conflict? Why don't we want roses and perfection(I don't know why I said roses) and happily ever afters? One answer. It's not real, and we want real.

I'm not the perfect christian.

I may not be the perfect christian, or even close for that matter. All I know, is that God is real, and He's the only One who can save me. So I'm starting there. 
I've felt lost for a very long time. I guess my burden just kept getting heavier and heavier and life has taken a few rough turns in the past 7 months. I'm on a path of healing from some big things, but I've found myself walking farther away from the Healer. Seems crazy since sitting at His feet and being close to Him is where the healing begins. I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter, angry, and hurt. Not blaming God for what happened, but not wanting to go to Him about it since He allowed it to happen. I'd get so mad when people would try to give me scriptures and tell me how they were praying for me and it was going to be ok. Because it isn't ok, and it won't be ok for awhile...and that's ok. I mean, it's ok for everything to not be ok. Doesn't make sense, but I've lived a little. 
Tonight I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long while. The words are wonderful, I'd sing it for you if I could. 

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.


Isn't that beautiful? I was told tonight to think of all the disgusting things I had seen this past week. I applied that to my whole life and thought about the big things that had impacted me. Then I was told to compare all of those things to God's beauty. It was kind of amazing. His beauty just outshines this world. All the horrible, disgusting things I've been through, or seen or heard, and then I think of His beauty. It all sort of washes away, and that's all I want. 
I don't walk around quoting scripture, or holding my Bible, and I don't always talk about God, but I know His beauty. So I'm starting there. 

Absent in body and soul.

When I was younger and someone in my life would die, people would say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I used to think, "...but I haven't lost them. Where'd they go if they're lost?" Ha. I know now they were talking about a loss in my life. Perhaps a better would could be an absence, a disappearance or something of that kind. Because I didn't lose them. I could still see and touch the person(in most cases). If they were lost I wouldn't be able to find them. Poor chose of words if you really want to analyze it. It's more like an absence of the persons soul. A disappearance of WHO they were, not the appearance. One minute the person is there, the next your staring at their empty body and in most cases it looks nothing like the person. So strange. People describe it as sleep but one look and you know they're not sleeping. I can't feel them anymore. It's like someone made a manikin of the person and put it in their clothes and put it on display. At least that's what I always felt like, like what the heck is this?

Going back to where I started, it's not like I lost someone and couldn't find them. "Oh I lost them and decided to stop looking for them and move on with my life," no, sorry, incorrect. They became absent in body and soul. They disappeared from the earth, and from my life. That's how it should be presented and said. The last memory is their casket being lowered in to the ground and then covered up. A small monument is placed at it's head, telling who, what, and when. At first the place is visited often, and then forgotten. Not the person, just the place. The memory becomes the monument, and the place becomes simply a way for closure. The body is empty, and the soul has found another home. All of which is so far away from the lives of those who knew the person. Measured by the depth of the earth covering the empty body, or by another world. I'll conclude my analyzing by saying, loss has nothing to do with it.

Cold.

I feel cold.

Let me show you.

How cold.

I didn't turn out how they wanted. They wanted me to be different, and I am. It's not the kind of different they wanted. Their different is like everyone else. I can't be like that. I never will be like that.

How cold am I? So cold.

I try not to let the tension eat at me. The memories remind me. I need to let go, because the cold is sinking in. Forget. Forget.

Once upon a time, things were different. Why try to change what's already happened...happened to me?
I still wrestle with it all. Constant state of mind of wishing and not wanting and wanting. I hate it. Don't do it. So much has happened in the soon to be 20 years of my life. Some more than anyone will every experience in a lifetime. Some good, but not a lot. Mostly traumatic, mostly my fault, mostly life just happened. I can't become bitter and cold. I can be compassionate, sympathetic, and understanding. Being there for people that others can't. I just have to crawl out of my safe, inward home first. Out of my angry, cold pit I made for myself and called it home. Afraid to connect, share, and let others in...

I'd rather feel the cold.

But maybe not anymore. I don't want to feel the cold anymore.