My new chapter

I'm entering a new chapter in my life very soon...

I'm going to be a mom.

Next month actually. I can hardly believe it. But ready or not, it's happening. I'm excited, nervous, uncertain...but mostly excited. It's a whole new adventure I have learned to embrace. I know it will be one of my great accomplishments. I say one of my accomplishments because I plan on having many. She will probably be my greatest.
One thing I have learned this year since my whole journey through finding out I'm pregnant, dealing with trials and situations and people and pregnancy in general, is to live without regrets. If anyone asked me what my biggest piece of advice to them would be in my measly 20 years of existing, it's to live without regrets. Nasty little things they are. Not worth it either. Accepting things that I cannot change, and not regretting them. Because what's done is done, and why should I live in the past, and keep going over and over the things I could have done or wished I'd done. Doesn't matter anymore. Make decisions based on whether you will regret it or not. I know it's impossible to always know, but when I'm faced with a decision I have regretted in the past, I try not to repeat history and leave myself with one less regret.

As I sit here typing my stomach is moving up and down and side to side. There is a very active little person in there, and I can't wait to meet her.
This little person has made me grow up a lot these past months. Made me think carefully about my choices that will not only affect me, but her as well. Made me see a lot about myself and the people around me. I have gone through more than an average 20 year old has probably gone through, but I have learned a lot through it all.

No more regrets...

Learning to heal.

I don't know about you, but I still love Superchick. Their songs still pop in my head every once in awhile and they have such truth. Here is a line I thought of the other day: "It's not about success, life is not a test. You don't pass or fail, you just do your best."

I feel like many people view life as a test. Obviously we want to do the best we can do in this life, but there is no passing and failing life. God just wants us to be completely abandoned to Him. He just wants our hearts...our love. I've been learning this slowly but surely. I have run from God for so long, and even some days I still reject His gentle call. Once I'm in His presence I wonder why I run from Him. Someone who wants to love on me, and never reject or hurt me, and I STILL reject Him.

I have to take my life about a week at a time right now. Looking ahead is not only scary, worrisome, and overwhelming, it's not an option right now. There are things I need to figure out in certain cases about what to do in a few months and what not but as far as my cares and concerns and hopes and wishes....I have to put them in a box, and on the shelf. Or I drive myself insane. Not only on the shelf, but to God. Now is the time for me to let God just take my heart and begin his healing and mending on it. It's been a long time coming too. I have run from healing because I didn't want to heal, or was too bitter and angry, or didn't know how. Circumstances I have found myself in lately honestly have just led me back to Him, and to healing. Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to get something, sometimes it takes a little. It took a lot for me.

Remembering to rest in His grace and mercy. To give my anger, hurts and fears to Him. To enjoy the moment I have before me, right now. Anger and bitterness, for too long, has gotten in the way of my joy. I have held on to past situations and hurts and anger I had for people or for things people had done to me, and I have only hurt myself through it. It's time to let go of the past. The past is just a ball and chain that slows me down from getting to whats next before me and from my joy and peace. And anything God has planned for me or wants to do in me. I'm ready to let go and not torture myself anymore. Yes, we all have things we wish we could change, or go back and make something different. But reminding myself of that everyday when I wake up, or every time I see someone or see a reminder, how can I really live?

I struggle with a lot of things. I struggle with self worth. Needing approval from others, or from a certain friend, or someone I love. Obviously I want people to like me and want to be around me, but that's not the most important thing. How people think of me or see me. I can tell you now, people are going to view me in many ways in the next month and many of those ways won't be good. But that doesn't define me. It's not who I am, who I was, who I will be.

I know God's healing me through this, and healing people involved and around me. If I let Him, He can work in an amazing way. And I want to let Him. Cause I'm tired, and I've tried everything else. And I'm ready to be free, and find redemption, and love more. I can't control what will happen. Only a few things will for sure happen in the coming months and that's all I can focus on. And focus on letting God heal me, and better me. I've had to let go of control, or expectations, or dreams... It's been possibly one of the hardest things I've done and I'm not even through it yet. There is so much more coming, and it's gonna be hard, but I need to trust.

Learn to heal, to trust, to hope...to love.

I am ready to break.

Even though I just finished writing a research paper, I'm back at writing. Writing a bunch of facts and arguing a point is different than writing feelings and thoughts. So here I go...
There is a point in life when I feel something that feels like it is possible for everything to work out. And then I get thrown into a tail spin and I'm falling fast, in circles. In the past year, I have given into that tail spin, and chose to fall so very fast. I fell into many places...places I thought I'd never fall into. I was vulnerable, insecure, raw. It was easier to fall, than to fly. And sometimes thats just how it is, but not how it should be.
Anyway, I fell a lot, and a lot of the time did not get back up. I crawled and ran into things. Sometimes I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was looking at. A mirror reflection doesn't tell all though, just the outer, when so much could be happening inside. The inside I never even looked into to find out what was going on. I guess I didn't care. That being said, I still have a hard time waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. However, I always do. Somewhere there is a drive inside me that even I cannot find to break it.
But I am ready to break. Find a new way of doing things, of living, of seeing, of being. I am ready to break.
Twice today I thought I would break, but I have found myself being strong, or not easily pushed down. Pushed down by words, or circumstances, or situations. I have been angry. I have been upset. But I have not acted on them, and I did not break because of them. Do I want to? Yes. Do I want to quit on everything? Yes. Do I want to run away? Yes. Yes yes yes. I want all of that. So much. But I will not. If everyone broke and ran away when things became so dark, how could they ever find the dawn? Or a sunrise, or just a glimpse of one? Hope does not really seem to be around, but it doesn't mean I can't go look for it. Yes, it all looks impossible. So impossible.

I keep getting sucked back in, over and over and over again to the same way of doing, or the same places.   I can't keep doing that anymore. I know and admit I've been wrong or have done wrong. I know. I know not everything I want will happen. I know trying to make it happen feels like dying. I know I wake up in the morning with hardly any energy or drive to get up or to care. I know not everyone cares. I know people are hurt, and care only for themselves. I know best that there is a bigger picture to everything than what I see...or what anyone sees. I know to just breathe. Breathe through the pain, the tears, the jaded words, the anger, the hate, the dark... All that there is to do right now in this moment is to do just that. Breathe.

Real

I guess I always knew I was a different child. Runs in the family I suppose. Maybe. I spent my childhood being serious before my time, thinking and feeling way beyond what I should have at my age. I was ok with being alone, and playing alone.
Sometimes when I read a book, or watch a movie I get so caught up in the characters life I forget I have a life of my own. Sometimes, I'd rather be caught up in someone else's life, because I can't seem to get mine right.
I've accepted that most things are complicated. Even if they are described as plain and simple. I know there are consequences to everything, but sometimes I forget to care. I believe there are many ways to accomplish something, to get somewhere, and not all of them are right, or wrong. There's no one right way, because everyone is different, and has been raised different, and experienced different things. So the way one person views the world, and succeeds, will be different than how someone else views and succeeds...or fails.
Most people forget to be real. At least the ones I have met. I know a real person when I meet one, the person is always interesting, has a story(good or bad), and has succeeded, or traveled, or failed, or tried, or messed up many times. There's nothing wrong with talking about the Lord, or meditating, or quoting, or thinking about, or sharing...but most times people forget to be real. Anyway.
I'd like to go to Russia. I'd like it very much. So many things excite and fascinate me about it and I'm not sure why.
I feel like in everything we want to do in life there's always a give and take, a want and a need, and a sacrifice for the things that are important. One or the other, not both. Not both and not fair. Consequences to our actions.
Isn't it funny though, how a movie isn't interesting unless there is a huge overcoming for the character? A good plot, a good struggle or conflict? Why don't we want roses and perfection(I don't know why I said roses) and happily ever afters? One answer. It's not real, and we want real.

I'm not the perfect christian.

I may not be the perfect christian, or even close for that matter. All I know, is that God is real, and He's the only One who can save me. So I'm starting there. 
I've felt lost for a very long time. I guess my burden just kept getting heavier and heavier and life has taken a few rough turns in the past 7 months. I'm on a path of healing from some big things, but I've found myself walking farther away from the Healer. Seems crazy since sitting at His feet and being close to Him is where the healing begins. I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter, angry, and hurt. Not blaming God for what happened, but not wanting to go to Him about it since He allowed it to happen. I'd get so mad when people would try to give me scriptures and tell me how they were praying for me and it was going to be ok. Because it isn't ok, and it won't be ok for awhile...and that's ok. I mean, it's ok for everything to not be ok. Doesn't make sense, but I've lived a little. 
Tonight I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long while. The words are wonderful, I'd sing it for you if I could. 

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.


Isn't that beautiful? I was told tonight to think of all the disgusting things I had seen this past week. I applied that to my whole life and thought about the big things that had impacted me. Then I was told to compare all of those things to God's beauty. It was kind of amazing. His beauty just outshines this world. All the horrible, disgusting things I've been through, or seen or heard, and then I think of His beauty. It all sort of washes away, and that's all I want. 
I don't walk around quoting scripture, or holding my Bible, and I don't always talk about God, but I know His beauty. So I'm starting there. 

Absent in body and soul.

When I was younger and someone in my life would die, people would say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I used to think, "...but I haven't lost them. Where'd they go if they're lost?" Ha. I know now they were talking about a loss in my life. Perhaps a better would could be an absence, a disappearance or something of that kind. Because I didn't lose them. I could still see and touch the person(in most cases). If they were lost I wouldn't be able to find them. Poor chose of words if you really want to analyze it. It's more like an absence of the persons soul. A disappearance of WHO they were, not the appearance. One minute the person is there, the next your staring at their empty body and in most cases it looks nothing like the person. So strange. People describe it as sleep but one look and you know they're not sleeping. I can't feel them anymore. It's like someone made a manikin of the person and put it in their clothes and put it on display. At least that's what I always felt like, like what the heck is this?

Going back to where I started, it's not like I lost someone and couldn't find them. "Oh I lost them and decided to stop looking for them and move on with my life," no, sorry, incorrect. They became absent in body and soul. They disappeared from the earth, and from my life. That's how it should be presented and said. The last memory is their casket being lowered in to the ground and then covered up. A small monument is placed at it's head, telling who, what, and when. At first the place is visited often, and then forgotten. Not the person, just the place. The memory becomes the monument, and the place becomes simply a way for closure. The body is empty, and the soul has found another home. All of which is so far away from the lives of those who knew the person. Measured by the depth of the earth covering the empty body, or by another world. I'll conclude my analyzing by saying, loss has nothing to do with it.

Cold.

I feel cold.

Let me show you.

How cold.

I didn't turn out how they wanted. They wanted me to be different, and I am. It's not the kind of different they wanted. Their different is like everyone else. I can't be like that. I never will be like that.

How cold am I? So cold.

I try not to let the tension eat at me. The memories remind me. I need to let go, because the cold is sinking in. Forget. Forget.

Once upon a time, things were different. Why try to change what's already happened...happened to me?
I still wrestle with it all. Constant state of mind of wishing and not wanting and wanting. I hate it. Don't do it. So much has happened in the soon to be 20 years of my life. Some more than anyone will every experience in a lifetime. Some good, but not a lot. Mostly traumatic, mostly my fault, mostly life just happened. I can't become bitter and cold. I can be compassionate, sympathetic, and understanding. Being there for people that others can't. I just have to crawl out of my safe, inward home first. Out of my angry, cold pit I made for myself and called it home. Afraid to connect, share, and let others in...

I'd rather feel the cold.

But maybe not anymore. I don't want to feel the cold anymore.

Tissues laid along the bed in a dark room. Christmas lights strung on the wall and the door, the only light in the room. Going through and blocking each and every painful memory to be found, longing for a clean slate to write new. Knees to chest and arms tucked around, waiting for sleep. Nothing left to say, the actions and tension in the room says enough. No more whispers of tears or fights, just to sit and wait for the morning and light. Maybe everything has been tried, maybe everything has been said. Still kept up at night, still being mislead. No more thoughts of going back, no more thoughts of fear. All the things held so close, seem to disappear. Put away the box of tissues, turn of the lights. The thoughts keep coming and going and coming, deep in to the night. Something starts to fall faster and faster, nothing left to do. The mind continues to twist and distort till it can never be renewed. Look up to the dark night sky, and see the magic in the stars. If only magic could be on earth, instead of stay so very far. The darkness is endless and light is limitless, if only this weren't true. I know what I should do...
The night slips in, and beckons me to and from. Farewell to night, I will escape, for sleep has finally come. Dismay has left, and dreams have kept me far away tonight. With one last thought of betray and trust, I bid myself goodnight.

Ready, set, wait.

It's funny how life takes its turns. I guess I shouldn't say funny, I should say interesting. One minute I have it all figured out, I know what I want, and I know how I'm going to get it. Then, life takes a turn, and suddenly I'm confused. Things I know I would have jumped at the chance to have before, have now changed to things I need to think about. Things I was so sure of, have now changed to things I'm not sure of. Things I thought I was ready for, I know now I am not ready for. Doesn't mean I want any of these things less, I just feel I'm in the present now. Not in the past, or the future...just here. I've never really just been here. I've always been some place else.
I've waited so long and now that it's here I can't take it yet. I want to, but then I know I would be doing it just to avoid hurting someone I love. I think most things are so much better when you're ready though...right? When it feels right, looks right, sounds right, and all of that.
Sometimes I wish I could be like other people and just be all ready to go when life offers it to me, or someone offers it to me. But if I'm not ready, there's no way I can succeed. My heart will tug at me sometimes, and then I know if I were to keep going, I would hurt it further. It's best to heal from something before starting something new. I mean, cause then you're dragging that with you while trying to start something else...doesn't make sense.
I will say, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself for not being ready. Angry with myself, even. Because it's like this, I have been waiting and wanting, only to find I need to wait even longer. Maybe not because people are telling me to or wanting me to, but because I know I need to. I never like holding myself back. However, I need to find it within myself to be at peace with waiting a little longer and not rush the process, because I know it will be so much better. God help me.

      Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I remember.

I remember the night you broke your hand. I was so scared. So angry. So confused. I don't even remember the date, just the feeling and what had happened.

I remember the morning I got a call from someone telling me he was gone. Dead. Forever. My heart dropped out of my chest. All the hope and dreams I had died with him.

I remember when I got a part in a huge production. Picked out of so many people. I felt amazing.

I remember when a childhood friend passed away. After all the prayers and weeks we had waited for a miracle. She finally left. Left us all. Just 15.

I remember when he came back after 10 years. I felt so cautious and afraid, and yet so happy and wanted by him for the first time.

I remember when you told me you loved me. The butterflies, and all the emotions I had never felt before. Wanting that moment to never end.

I remember hurting a friend. And not realizing it until it was too late. Wishing I could go back, and living with regret.

I remember when my grandma died. All the times I spent over at her house. How she knew I loved peaches and pickles.

I remember when I wanted to die. How I felt completely hopeless, and thought it was never going to end.

I remember the day music became so important to me. I felt so passionate.

I still remember....

Put to rest.

It's hard to put something to rest when there are so many unanswered questions, so many wounds, and so many 'what if's'. An unconscious, constant battle in my mind.

"What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget."

This sentence sums up everything I have been feeling. I forget because it's too much to remember all that happened. So many things people say to me, some lies, some truth. But what about me? I experienced it too, and no, I was not too young to know. I have feelings, and thoughts, and the truth. A selfish act. The after effects no different. What's done, is done. What was said, was said. What needs to be said, should just be said. Maybe people don't want to know the truth. Just leave it be, and walk away. What's tempting me to look? Why do I need to know? Why can't I put it to rest? A call to search further; go deeper. Something inside telling me it's not yet over. Something inside not satisfied. All the memories and all the words were enough for me. Yet people want to say more, because they know the truth! Just taking everyones word for it. I knew nothing, felt nothing. Even when he's gone, they're still telling me the same old lies. Well I know the truth; my truth.

So much could be said, but someday it will be put to rest.

Coming out of the fog.

It's been awhile, since I saw reality. A strange sensation that what I hoped was true, is actually just a fantasy. A slap in the face, a whisper of defeat. A smile that makes one uncomfortable. "Fine", I say, "I see you". Maybe it's better to see the world and everything in it for what it really is. Instead of daydreaming of things long lost in the past. Things that I could have had, but didn't realize I needed or wanted. So much of my life feels that way, and it feels so impossible to let go. Ah...letting go. Such an easy word to say and a hard action to do. Sometimes it's easier to fall asleep...and take care of it when I wake up...or never...

I've been so afraid. Because of the things I've lost, or mistreated, or made a mistake with, or whatever...I'm so afraid to move. Afraid I'll make one more wrong move. It's hard to be sure and there are many risks. Too many risks. Well now, something ought to be done, and soon. Don't worry, I'm already thinking of something. Something that will help me breathe, and feel again. Something that will help me come out of the fog of my life. Clear out the cob webs and try again. I'd like to try again. Whether that looks like erasing everything I had ever written, or working with what I have. I know that, at least. I'm not completely lost.

I'll find my way out of the fog.

Relationships. A few words.

I'm 19. Not very old to be giving advice, but old enough to give a little. My experience will have been different than yours will be of course. However, there are some things that should always be apart of a relationship. Especially in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

1) Selfless. In every relationship ALWAYS think about the other person first. Even if they're completely wrong. They come first. Then you.

2) Be honest with the person. I have a hard time with this. I tend to be honest when I know things will be all right. And tend to not tell things when I know they won't be. It's hard because even though we could be trying to protect them, we're only hurting them and ourselves.

3) Being humble. Even if you are completely right about something and you know it. Humble should be your default mode. Seriously. Ask yourself "Did I do that?" or "Could I have done that? Is it a possibility?" Anythings possible. So put the other person first and be humble about it. Even if you're right. Because whats more important? The person or you being right? I thought so...

4) Protect. This doesn't always have to be physical protection. It can mean protecting the other persons emotions, protecting him/her from being hurt by others or yourself.

5) Forgive and Forget. Literally. Don't bring crap up to rub in the person's(you care about and love) face. If they're sorry for what they did and you forgave them than by all means let it go! It won't get you both anywhere and end in constant fighting and hurt. Seriously...let it go.

6) Do kind things for them. Surprise them, give random gifts, go have fun with them. Laughter is good. Talking about serious heavy stuff all the time will turn the relationship in to serious and heavy.

7) Be patient. I feel like this one is self explanatory. I'll say a word or two though. Give the person time. Don't expect changes over night, or even for a long time.

8) Listen. Hear. Understand. Those 3 words will keep a couple together. Yeah, you can listen to someone. But can you hear them and have compassion and feel what they're saying. And understanding is simply telling them you care, and even doing something about it.

Have you noticed I haven't mentioned love? Know why? Cause all of the above IS Love. Love is all of that and more. I struggle with every one of those. But at least I know and I strive to do each of them and more. Relationships are tough and exhausting at times...but the reason for that is because we are selfish people. And relationships are all about being selfless. Crazy huh? Its about sacrifice and doing things you do not want to do because we always want ourselves to be first. It pays off though you know...and in times gets better. Anyway just thought I'd share. Take it or leave it.

Rachael

I was born for this.

Ok. Did anyone else get chills when they watched the episode of Glee: vol. 1 episode: wheels? When Rachel and Kurt sang Defying Gravity? Cause my body was going crazy with goosebumps the whole song(and no I wasn't cold). I've heard them sing it before and I'VE even sung the song before but watching them...I don't even know how to describe it. Kurt is an amazing counter tenor and Rachel is just amazing period.

I just wanna pause right now and say how I can't believe I'm blogging about Glee.

Anyway, they're both amazing, and with my competition coming up I watch this show none stop. My point in writing is I feel like I was born for this...for music. For all the performing and singing. I don't know what everyone else does it for you, but it's not for the audience. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels walking on stage with the spotlight on me, and I walk up to the microphone as the music begins...and I start to sing. I feel the music I don't just sing it. All those kids on that show are so gifted and talented. God given talent. I mean, can you feel it when they sing? When any artist sings? I am so excited to go to college next fall, and dive face first in to all the music and training I can get. But as much as I love learning about it, I love doing it even more. Anyone can be as technical and as precise as possible, but when someone is feeling it and singing it, that's when the audience gets chills. Am I talking to myself? You're not gonna read this now because I had Glee in it. *sigh* I guess I am becoming a 'Gleek'(not really). Anyway, 5 days from now I'm going to be on Yardley stage. Singing with 12 other crazy talented(well, most of them) young adults. I've come so far and as much as I wanted to win, at least I made it to the finals. If my name isn't called I will try to be content with that, but I will say how much I want it.

My goal is to go to sleep before 2 am tonight. Yes, I'm still partyin it up because I don't have school in the morning, or at all this semester.

Ciao.

People say...

People say hard times make us stronger. Maybe the first couple times, but after that...tragic times takes a toll. I feel like I should be so strong right now, but instead I feel I can barely stand. So, why do people say that...why...
It gives me something to talk about certainly, or to give a word of advice or encouragement. I guess I know what should happen, but its not whats happening. It feels like a fast fall backwards down a steep hill. If I stop myself, I'll only hang there till I get tired and continue falling. Shouldn't I be able to climb confidently up that steep hill?
Everyday I search for hope. For something small to start to work out. The missing pieces start to be put in to place and instead I lose more pieces. Make more mistakes. Lose more. And hate more. I don't need to know HOW it will all work out, I just need to know it WILL all work out.
Should I stop in all this tension and breathe in its beauty? How is it that tension is even beautiful? How is it that everything around me can be such a mess and I still smile knowing it is a beautiful mess of a life?
I can feel my heart hardening inside my chest. I have shut down parts of myself in order to continue on. I do things I don't even realize until it's too late. So, again I ask, how can people say these things will make me strong, when this is the reality of what's happening? If someone could explain that to me, I will listen.
The heart is the source of the bodies life. When it stops, so does the body. The heart is strong, but even the heart can die. There is always hope, but where does the hope lie? And where can I find it anymore? I'm just searching...for answers and reasons...and if there are none, so be it. But there's no harm in asking. Or thinking aloud.

A bit of this and that.

Nothing like writing a blog post sitting at Starbucks drinking and iced coffee. I must ponder a thousand things at once cause I find myself thinking about a hundred things and don't even realize it. Like what is the purpose of my life, where wi I end up, why do people not see the tension like I do, do people think about life as in-depth as I do? Anyway you get the point. And then randomly I'll be thinking about why this girl is flirting with this guy when the next day she walks by with her boyfriend(different guy). It's none of my business but it's messed up. Why do you wake up in the morning? And don't say it's because you have to go to work, or you have rehearsal, or a date with a friend, or because you need to clean the house...why do yu wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Are you so excited about life? Yes it's a rather deep question. I try to determine my answer and never come up with a good enough reason. I need intense reason to get up and to keep getting up. Because I don't always feel happy or peace or joy. I mean, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking there is no hope for tomorrow, and then somehow I manage to get up the next morning and eventually it gets better.

I think the real joy lies in knowing all of this exist and knowing somehow even though I feel all this despair, I still have purpose. Like I'm meant to do something and be something. Hope is more than Just knowing things will get better, it's knowing deeply that there is reason and purposE. I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's just been lots of pain, and hurt lately and that's hard to get through on a whim. Or wake up with a hope that it might get better, but that it will get better. That I can make it better. That I am not helpless and alone or afraid.someday I'll actually belIeve this...for now I'll just keep telling myself this. To find peace in chaos, and to find love n everyone. It sounds good to me.

On to the next project...

This is the wedding scene from the play I just finished called 'The Pastor'. It turned out to be a really incredible show. I'm just sad its over cause now it seems I have nothing to do. And I just love theater, so I'd love to be on stage almost every day(not possible. I know this).

So on to my next project. This project is called KC Superstar. Tomorrow I meet with our vocal coach and he is going to help me pick my song. Not sure what to expect so this should be interesting. Then will come our various dance and vocal rehearsals. And ultimately we'll compete for finals on August 28th in Yardley Hall at JCCC. I'm pretty pumped and nervous for that day. So anyway, that's my next project. Besides that and 2 trips I'm going to keep this summer pretty simple. I think that's all I'll be able to handle. And who knows about school in the fall. Somanydecisions.
Also, if you haven't seen Green Lantern, it's good. Ryan Reynolds too. Gooood.

A tribute to my father: Matthew McGraw

His and my journey had just begun. I guess it wasn't meant to be. He changed my life. THIS has changed my life. I will never forget him. I love and miss you, dad. Goodbye.

Why should I dream...

Even as I cringe, and crawl
to the pit of despair,
I know it is wrong
and yet, I do not care.
The horror awaits me,
and I am left to face me.

How can I hope to understand. First, how can I hope? And why should I? It is but a night, and tomorrow the sun will spring up and wash away all the sorrows that drench the earth this very night.
Why does one sit in the darkness? To wait, and wait. A red eye piercing my heart from across the room. When I turn on the light, it is only the light from my tv. Turn off the light, and it begins to frighten me. The wind tears through the trees outside, and a slight tap tap tap as the rain smacks the pavement. And yet I still wait for you...in the darkness...frozen.
Death...it is cold, and soft. Awakening from someone else's dream, in to my very own. Forever.
There is no difference, only the transition between life and death. And then life starts all over again.
Why must I be insightful, and knowledgeable. If life is really so desperate and destructive why do we fight it? Because we hate the pain. Or do we?
I come off a high sometimes. Not a drug high, not an emotional high, but a high of getting the tasks appointed to me done on time and in time. Then I crash and question myself. Who am I? Why am I?
Compassion? Mercy? Kindness? Where do they exist in this world? Anywhere? If I can not even give them to the person I love, than to who? And who will give them to me? I'm TIRED of being strong. I'm tired...

It's been raining a long time now...

I never want to speak again.

I never write anything worth reading. Everything I write is what's inside my head, my opinion of things, my thoughts, my feelings. I didn't sit at the computer and carefully think and plan what I was going to say. I just...write it. I can make up stories. I used to write all kinds of stories when I was little. Some that were true and some that I made up.
I don't really remember having really awesome aspirations when i was younger. I wanted to be a veterinarian, I still kind of do actually. I always thought I'd make a good writer...but there are much better writers out there than I will ever be.
I played a lot of pretend when I was little. Constantly. It was like an escape. Probably an escape from wondering if my dad will come back to visit me. Or why he always went away. I was too little to understand any of what I was feeling. To this day I still feel too immature to handle what I feel sometimes.
I'd write notes on facebook, or on xanga(if we wanna go wayyyy back). People would never really say much. If anything. Oh gosh, I'm not looking for a pat on the back or admiration or "Wow Rachael, you are such an elegant writer. Keep it up!". I mean really, why would I want people to do that. Anyway, it just seemed it wasn't for me. Yet sometimes I would read others notes and people are commenting crazy hardcore about how amazing they are and I'm reading this note and thinking, "Um. Whats the big deal?". Everyone has an opinion I guess. Seems like the more you talk about God in a note the more comments you get? Just a guess.
I like poetry. Deep, dark, passionate poetry. I also like a good story. Something encouraging and a none 'the Bible says this and that kind of way and however you're feeling is wrong and you need to choose to not feel that way' kind of thing. Can you tell I'm speaking from experience?
Perhaps I'm too blunt, and too real.
It's just hard to be the bad guy all the time. To be the oddball of the group. To get the blame because you look like you can take crap. I'm sure you can guess I am not the type of person people look up to and admire in a social group. I always wanted to be though. I always wanted to be a great many things...

Want to know where I'm at tonight? I'm sitting on my bed, typing, a blanket wrapped around me, watery eyes, looking at my phone every minute, knowing I am nothing significant, and afraid to go to sleep. No list of things I want to accomplish, no great plans for tomorrow, no good feeling I'm doing anything right. No, no. It's just me sitting here wanting to never speak again. I know I have a voice, it just feels like no one wants to hear it.