Tuesday, July 26, 2011

People say...

People say hard times make us stronger. Maybe the first couple times, but after that...tragic times takes a toll. I feel like I should be so strong right now, but instead I feel I can barely stand. So, why do people say that...why...
It gives me something to talk about certainly, or to give a word of advice or encouragement. I guess I know what should happen, but its not whats happening. It feels like a fast fall backwards down a steep hill. If I stop myself, I'll only hang there till I get tired and continue falling. Shouldn't I be able to climb confidently up that steep hill?
Everyday I search for hope. For something small to start to work out. The missing pieces start to be put in to place and instead I lose more pieces. Make more mistakes. Lose more. And hate more. I don't need to know HOW it will all work out, I just need to know it WILL all work out.
Should I stop in all this tension and breathe in its beauty? How is it that tension is even beautiful? How is it that everything around me can be such a mess and I still smile knowing it is a beautiful mess of a life?
I can feel my heart hardening inside my chest. I have shut down parts of myself in order to continue on. I do things I don't even realize until it's too late. So, again I ask, how can people say these things will make me strong, when this is the reality of what's happening? If someone could explain that to me, I will listen.
The heart is the source of the bodies life. When it stops, so does the body. The heart is strong, but even the heart can die. There is always hope, but where does the hope lie? And where can I find it anymore? I'm just searching...for answers and reasons...and if there are none, so be it. But there's no harm in asking. Or thinking aloud.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A bit of this and that.

Nothing like writing a blog post sitting at Starbucks drinking and iced coffee. I must ponder a thousand things at once cause I find myself thinking about a hundred things and don't even realize it. Like what is the purpose of my life, where wi I end up, why do people not see the tension like I do, do people think about life as in-depth as I do? Anyway you get the point. And then randomly I'll be thinking about why this girl is flirting with this guy when the next day she walks by with her boyfriend(different guy). It's none of my business but it's messed up. Why do you wake up in the morning? And don't say it's because you have to go to work, or you have rehearsal, or a date with a friend, or because you need to clean the house...why do yu wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Are you so excited about life? Yes it's a rather deep question. I try to determine my answer and never come up with a good enough reason. I need intense reason to get up and to keep getting up. Because I don't always feel happy or peace or joy. I mean, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking there is no hope for tomorrow, and then somehow I manage to get up the next morning and eventually it gets better.

I think the real joy lies in knowing all of this exist and knowing somehow even though I feel all this despair, I still have purpose. Like I'm meant to do something and be something. Hope is more than Just knowing things will get better, it's knowing deeply that there is reason and purposE. I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's just been lots of pain, and hurt lately and that's hard to get through on a whim. Or wake up with a hope that it might get better, but that it will get better. That I can make it better. That I am not helpless and alone or afraid.someday I'll actually belIeve this...for now I'll just keep telling myself this. To find peace in chaos, and to find love n everyone. It sounds good to me.