Even though I just finished writing a research paper, I'm back at writing. Writing a bunch of facts and arguing a point is different than writing feelings and thoughts. So here I go...
There is a point in life when I feel something that feels like it is possible for everything to work out. And then I get thrown into a tail spin and I'm falling fast, in circles. In the past year, I have given into that tail spin, and chose to fall so very fast. I fell into many places...places I thought I'd never fall into. I was vulnerable, insecure, raw. It was easier to fall, than to fly. And sometimes thats just how it is, but not how it should be.
Anyway, I fell a lot, and a lot of the time did not get back up. I crawled and ran into things. Sometimes I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was looking at. A mirror reflection doesn't tell all though, just the outer, when so much could be happening inside. The inside I never even looked into to find out what was going on. I guess I didn't care. That being said, I still have a hard time waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. However, I always do. Somewhere there is a drive inside me that even I cannot find to break it.
But I am ready to break. Find a new way of doing things, of living, of seeing, of being. I am ready to break.
Twice today I thought I would break, but I have found myself being strong, or not easily pushed down. Pushed down by words, or circumstances, or situations. I have been angry. I have been upset. But I have not acted on them, and I did not break because of them. Do I want to? Yes. Do I want to quit on everything? Yes. Do I want to run away? Yes. Yes yes yes. I want all of that. So much. But I will not. If everyone broke and ran away when things became so dark, how could they ever find the dawn? Or a sunrise, or just a glimpse of one? Hope does not really seem to be around, but it doesn't mean I can't go look for it. Yes, it all looks impossible. So impossible.