Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Learning to heal.

I don't know about you, but I still love Superchick. Their songs still pop in my head every once in awhile and they have such truth. Here is a line I thought of the other day: "It's not about success, life is not a test. You don't pass or fail, you just do your best."

I feel like many people view life as a test. Obviously we want to do the best we can do in this life, but there is no passing and failing life. God just wants us to be completely abandoned to Him. He just wants our hearts...our love. I've been learning this slowly but surely. I have run from God for so long, and even some days I still reject His gentle call. Once I'm in His presence I wonder why I run from Him. Someone who wants to love on me, and never reject or hurt me, and I STILL reject Him.

I have to take my life about a week at a time right now. Looking ahead is not only scary, worrisome, and overwhelming, it's not an option right now. There are things I need to figure out in certain cases about what to do in a few months and what not but as far as my cares and concerns and hopes and wishes....I have to put them in a box, and on the shelf. Or I drive myself insane. Not only on the shelf, but to God. Now is the time for me to let God just take my heart and begin his healing and mending on it. It's been a long time coming too. I have run from healing because I didn't want to heal, or was too bitter and angry, or didn't know how. Circumstances I have found myself in lately honestly have just led me back to Him, and to healing. Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to get something, sometimes it takes a little. It took a lot for me.

Remembering to rest in His grace and mercy. To give my anger, hurts and fears to Him. To enjoy the moment I have before me, right now. Anger and bitterness, for too long, has gotten in the way of my joy. I have held on to past situations and hurts and anger I had for people or for things people had done to me, and I have only hurt myself through it. It's time to let go of the past. The past is just a ball and chain that slows me down from getting to whats next before me and from my joy and peace. And anything God has planned for me or wants to do in me. I'm ready to let go and not torture myself anymore. Yes, we all have things we wish we could change, or go back and make something different. But reminding myself of that everyday when I wake up, or every time I see someone or see a reminder, how can I really live?

I struggle with a lot of things. I struggle with self worth. Needing approval from others, or from a certain friend, or someone I love. Obviously I want people to like me and want to be around me, but that's not the most important thing. How people think of me or see me. I can tell you now, people are going to view me in many ways in the next month and many of those ways won't be good. But that doesn't define me. It's not who I am, who I was, who I will be.

I know God's healing me through this, and healing people involved and around me. If I let Him, He can work in an amazing way. And I want to let Him. Cause I'm tired, and I've tried everything else. And I'm ready to be free, and find redemption, and love more. I can't control what will happen. Only a few things will for sure happen in the coming months and that's all I can focus on. And focus on letting God heal me, and better me. I've had to let go of control, or expectations, or dreams... It's been possibly one of the hardest things I've done and I'm not even through it yet. There is so much more coming, and it's gonna be hard, but I need to trust.

Learn to heal, to trust, to love.