I'm not the perfect christian.

I may not be the perfect christian, or even close for that matter. All I know, is that God is real, and He's the only One who can save me. So I'm starting there. 
I've felt lost for a very long time. I guess my burden just kept getting heavier and heavier and life has taken a few rough turns in the past 7 months. I'm on a path of healing from some big things, but I've found myself walking farther away from the Healer. Seems crazy since sitting at His feet and being close to Him is where the healing begins. I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter, angry, and hurt. Not blaming God for what happened, but not wanting to go to Him about it since He allowed it to happen. I'd get so mad when people would try to give me scriptures and tell me how they were praying for me and it was going to be ok. Because it isn't ok, and it won't be ok for awhile...and that's ok. I mean, it's ok for everything to not be ok. Doesn't make sense, but I've lived a little. 
Tonight I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long while. The words are wonderful, I'd sing it for you if I could. 

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.


Isn't that beautiful? I was told tonight to think of all the disgusting things I had seen this past week. I applied that to my whole life and thought about the big things that had impacted me. Then I was told to compare all of those things to God's beauty. It was kind of amazing. His beauty just outshines this world. All the horrible, disgusting things I've been through, or seen or heard, and then I think of His beauty. It all sort of washes away, and that's all I want. 
I don't walk around quoting scripture, or holding my Bible, and I don't always talk about God, but I know His beauty. So I'm starting there. 

Absent in body and soul.

When I was younger and someone in my life would die, people would say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I used to think, "...but I haven't lost them. Where'd they go if they're lost?" Ha. I know now they were talking about a loss in my life. Perhaps a better would could be an absence, a disappearance or something of that kind. Because I didn't lose them. I could still see and touch the person(in most cases). If they were lost I wouldn't be able to find them. Poor chose of words if you really want to analyze it. It's more like an absence of the persons soul. A disappearance of WHO they were, not the appearance. One minute the person is there, the next your staring at their empty body and in most cases it looks nothing like the person. So strange. People describe it as sleep but one look and you know they're not sleeping. I can't feel them anymore. It's like someone made a manikin of the person and put it in their clothes and put it on display. At least that's what I always felt like, like what the heck is this?

Going back to where I started, it's not like I lost someone and couldn't find them. "Oh I lost them and decided to stop looking for them and move on with my life," no, sorry, incorrect. They became absent in body and soul. They disappeared from the earth, and from my life. That's how it should be presented and said. The last memory is their casket being lowered in to the ground and then covered up. A small monument is placed at it's head, telling who, what, and when. At first the place is visited often, and then forgotten. Not the person, just the place. The memory becomes the monument, and the place becomes simply a way for closure. The body is empty, and the soul has found another home. All of which is so far away from the lives of those who knew the person. Measured by the depth of the earth covering the empty body, or by another world. I'll conclude my analyzing by saying, loss has nothing to do with it.

Cold.

I feel cold.

Let me show you.

How cold.

I didn't turn out how they wanted. They wanted me to be different, and I am. It's not the kind of different they wanted. Their different is like everyone else. I can't be like that. I never will be like that.

How cold am I? So cold.

I try not to let the tension eat at me. The memories remind me. I need to let go, because the cold is sinking in. Forget. Forget.

Once upon a time, things were different. Why try to change what's already happened...happened to me?
I still wrestle with it all. Constant state of mind of wishing and not wanting and wanting. I hate it. Don't do it. So much has happened in the soon to be 20 years of my life. Some more than anyone will every experience in a lifetime. Some good, but not a lot. Mostly traumatic, mostly my fault, mostly life just happened. I can't become bitter and cold. I can be compassionate, sympathetic, and understanding. Being there for people that others can't. I just have to crawl out of my safe, inward home first. Out of my angry, cold pit I made for myself and called it home. Afraid to connect, share, and let others in...

I'd rather feel the cold.

But maybe not anymore. I don't want to feel the cold anymore.