Monday, February 28, 2011

So much for my history homework...

It's been a long day. Everything has pretty much gone right...I think. But I don't like long days...I have no time to think...or too much time maybe. I just get tired.
I started to cry in ballet. I felt my eyes burning as the teacher was demonstrating glissades and assembles. I did the moves fine. The entire time we were at the bar I felt like a screw up. When the teacher corrects you it's supposed to be a learning experience, and I just took it as an insult. I kept telling myself in my head that I am not insecure. I felt insecure...
I came home feeling irritable. Nothing was funny and everything was serious. I have no idea why. A few little things happened after that that only heightened my mood. Now I'm just pissing everyone off and I kind of have no idea why.
So many things to do and so little time. So many things to figure out. I'm not worried about anything and that's what scares me. Maybe I should be.
I am a little worried about getting this homework done. Ha.
Simply existing. How terrible and frightening that is. No direction, no goal, no purpose. Wouldn't that be horrible? I feel like that sometimes. I think everyone does.
I have so many things inside that I could talk about and voice. I find myself telling people I hardly know because I've kept it in. And then I think, why did I tell them that? Strangers are sometimes the best people to talk to, you know? I mean, they don't know you. They can't judge you or think of you differently cause they don't have anything to go off of and they haven't the slightest clue about you. That's why they invented counselors. Ha. You're just paying a stranger to listen to you. I find that humorous by the way. People will do anything for someone to
Well I suppose I should get to my history.

P.S. Ihop is giving short stacks for free tomorrow.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

In my dreams...

Lying in my bed looking up at the ceiling.
Trying to to push everything out of my mind.
I'm so tired and I can't even doze off.
My head is reeling.
I have so many unanswered questions.
So many fears.

I ask God if He's listening.
I tell Him how horrible it is down here sometimes.
How unsafe I feel.
I begin to cry...

Sleep is only a distraction for me.
Someplace unreal to go.
In my dreams nothing can hurt, or sting.
I feel safe again.
I dream of somewhere far from here.
Of places beautiful, no pain is near.
I am whoever I want to be.
I can do anything without them stopping me.
But I cannot sleep and I cannot dream.
I am so weary.
So distraught.

I would give anything for a little peace of mind.
But I know it will not come.
Again, I ask Him if He's listening.
Because I don't think He is...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Magic, Adventures, and Russia.

I've been pondering this for a very long time. I've always wanted to be Russian. Ok, not always, but a long time. My roots are European, but I think the closest I get to Russian is Romanian. Russia has always felt magical to me. Everyones idea of Russia, is cold, dark, and suppressed. I've met people from there and have studied Russia well. It's such a fascinating place to me. Magical.

Six years ago, a young eleven year old Belarusian boy came to stay with my family. He was scared, knew no English, and was very far away from his country. Long story short, we bonded with him. Sergei is a huge part of our lives. Though we haven't seen him in 3 years, he still writes us, and we write him.
As far as adventures go, I feel as if I'm about to take one. We can no longer bring the Belarusian children to us, so why not go to them? There is a camp in Belarus that the Belarusian children go to for a normal summer camp. We go to share the love of Jesus with them, and to share our personal stories with them and mentor them. Sergei is going to that camp this year. The camp is July 9th. By then, Sergei will be 17, and I will be turning 19 there, if I go. This is where my heart has been for awhile, and I am excited about this opportunity. The adventurous part about this trip is, it will take me three days just to get to Belarus, and if I am caught talking about Jesus guess where I go? Yep, to prison. That scares most people, but I think it's kind of awesome.
Anyway, I just wanted to share. Sergei sent us a letter recently along with some pictures. I can't believe he's going to be 17 and graduating. In Belarus, the grades only go up to 11. I wish that's how it was here. Hopefully I will be able to go back with him after camp to meet his family and see his life there.
I better brush up on my Russian.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

By the Grace in His eyes.

I walk in to a room of familiar people. I'm feeling a little shy. I walk in distant, waiting for a 'hi' or my name to be called. Someone calls it, I recieve a hug. I go to hug someone else in return, and I am rejected by a few words. I withdrawl. I turn to leave, but I don't. I stay.

An hour goes by. This game is old. I go sit and wait for the music to start, and suddenly am very cold. I go find a sweater and walk back in the room after hearing a few words of encouragement. A song is playing...

The song tells me I am loved. But why? And how? I am disturbed. I'm confused. He loves me. He loves me....I hang my head and walk in quietly. I withdrawl again. I sit in my chair. I picture every word being said. Grace, redemption, love. I am overwhelmed and at peace. I picture His affection, His love for me. The grace in His loving eyes. His eyes that are looking and calling me.... I quickly push the image away. What about today? Does He know what I've done? The stupid mistakes? The anger I feel? He can't want me. Why would anyone want me? The voices fill my mind, telling me what a waste I am. Then in the background I hear 'Oh, how He loves....". And I stop. The voices vanish. The image returns to my mind and I see His eyes again...He's still waiting. Waiting for who? For me? I begin to melt into His grace. I can't resist any longer. My heart beats fast and my chest feels like it's being ripped open. There is no time to think about my regrets and mistakes when I think about how He loves me...
The death that lives here in this world and on earth...the agony we feel. He still loves. He's still there. The world rejects you, I have rejected you. Yet, You still love...

I awake from this vision, this thought, and begin to sing the words I was once rejecting. Oh, how He loves...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Life can be painful.

I feel like a sinking boat.

Im slowly decaying.

The world is spinning.

And I've gone missing.

I'm tossing and turning.

Flying so high.

I hit a small bump,

and I fall from the sky.

I hit the very bottom,

and look up at so many faces.

I see nothing but darkness,

and shadows of distant places.

Oh dear, what can I do.

I try to use my wings,

I try to fly.

And I even sing to myself,

as the time goes by.

I'll get up as soon

 as I can catch my breath,

and before the lights go out...

I won't be caught by death.