Tissues laid along the bed in a dark room. Christmas lights strung on the wall and the door, the only light in the room. Going through and blocking each and every painful memory to be found, longing for a clean slate to write new. Knees to chest and arms tucked around, waiting for sleep. Nothing left to say, the actions and tension in the room says enough. No more whispers of tears or fights, just to sit and wait for the morning and light. Maybe everything has been tried, maybe everything has been said. Still kept up at night, still being mislead. No more thoughts of going back, no more thoughts of fear. All the things held so close, seem to disappear. Put away the box of tissues, turn of the lights. The thoughts keep coming and going and coming, deep in to the night. Something starts to fall faster and faster, nothing left to do. The mind continues to twist and distort till it can never be renewed. Look up to the dark night sky, and see the magic in the stars. If only magic could be on earth, instead of stay so very far. The darkness is endless and light is limitless, if only this weren't true. I know what I should do...
The night slips in, and beckons me to and from. Farewell to night, I will escape, for sleep has finally come. Dismay has left, and dreams have kept me far away tonight. With one last thought of betray and trust, I bid myself goodnight.

Ready, set, wait.

It's funny how life takes its turns. I guess I shouldn't say funny, I should say interesting. One minute I have it all figured out, I know what I want, and I know how I'm going to get it. Then, life takes a turn, and suddenly I'm confused. Things I know I would have jumped at the chance to have before, have now changed to things I need to think about. Things I was so sure of, have now changed to things I'm not sure of. Things I thought I was ready for, I know now I am not ready for. Doesn't mean I want any of these things less, I just feel I'm in the present now. Not in the past, or the future...just here. I've never really just been here. I've always been some place else.
I've waited so long and now that it's here I can't take it yet. I want to, but then I know I would be doing it just to avoid hurting someone I love. I think most things are so much better when you're ready though...right? When it feels right, looks right, sounds right, and all of that.
Sometimes I wish I could be like other people and just be all ready to go when life offers it to me, or someone offers it to me. But if I'm not ready, there's no way I can succeed. My heart will tug at me sometimes, and then I know if I were to keep going, I would hurt it further. It's best to heal from something before starting something new. I mean, cause then you're dragging that with you while trying to start something else...doesn't make sense.
I will say, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself for not being ready. Angry with myself, even. Because it's like this, I have been waiting and wanting, only to find I need to wait even longer. Maybe not because people are telling me to or wanting me to, but because I know I need to. I never like holding myself back. However, I need to find it within myself to be at peace with waiting a little longer and not rush the process, because I know it will be so much better. God help me.

      Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I remember.

I remember the night you broke your hand. I was so scared. So angry. So confused. I don't even remember the date, just the feeling and what had happened.

I remember the morning I got a call from someone telling me he was gone. Dead. Forever. My heart dropped out of my chest. All the hope and dreams I had died with him.

I remember when I got a part in a huge production. Picked out of so many people. I felt amazing.

I remember when a childhood friend passed away. After all the prayers and weeks we had waited for a miracle. She finally left. Left us all. Just 15.

I remember when he came back after 10 years. I felt so cautious and afraid, and yet so happy and wanted by him for the first time.

I remember when you told me you loved me. The butterflies, and all the emotions I had never felt before. Wanting that moment to never end.

I remember hurting a friend. And not realizing it until it was too late. Wishing I could go back, and living with regret.

I remember when my grandma died. All the times I spent over at her house. How she knew I loved peaches and pickles.

I remember when I wanted to die. How I felt completely hopeless, and thought it was never going to end.

I remember the day music became so important to me. I felt so passionate.

I still remember....

Put to rest.

It's hard to put something to rest when there are so many unanswered questions, so many wounds, and so many 'what if's'. An unconscious, constant battle in my mind.

"What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget."

This sentence sums up everything I have been feeling. I forget because it's too much to remember all that happened. So many things people say to me, some lies, some truth. But what about me? I experienced it too, and no, I was not too young to know. I have feelings, and thoughts, and the truth. A selfish act. The after effects no different. What's done, is done. What was said, was said. What needs to be said, should just be said. Maybe people don't want to know the truth. Just leave it be, and walk away. What's tempting me to look? Why do I need to know? Why can't I put it to rest? A call to search further; go deeper. Something inside telling me it's not yet over. Something inside not satisfied. All the memories and all the words were enough for me. Yet people want to say more, because they know the truth! Just taking everyones word for it. I knew nothing, felt nothing. Even when he's gone, they're still telling me the same old lies. Well I know the truth; my truth.

So much could be said, but someday it will be put to rest.

Coming out of the fog.

It's been awhile, since I saw reality. A strange sensation that what I hoped was true, is actually just a fantasy. A slap in the face, a whisper of defeat. A smile that makes one uncomfortable. "Fine", I say, "I see you". Maybe it's better to see the world and everything in it for what it really is. Instead of daydreaming of things long lost in the past. Things that I could have had, but didn't realize I needed or wanted. So much of my life feels that way, and it feels so impossible to let go. Ah...letting go. Such an easy word to say and a hard action to do. Sometimes it's easier to fall asleep...and take care of it when I wake up...or never...

I've been so afraid. Because of the things I've lost, or mistreated, or made a mistake with, or whatever...I'm so afraid to move. Afraid I'll make one more wrong move. It's hard to be sure and there are many risks. Too many risks. Well now, something ought to be done, and soon. Don't worry, I'm already thinking of something. Something that will help me breathe, and feel again. Something that will help me come out of the fog of my life. Clear out the cob webs and try again. I'd like to try again. Whether that looks like erasing everything I had ever written, or working with what I have. I know that, at least. I'm not completely lost.

I'll find my way out of the fog.

Relationships. A few words.

I'm 19. Not very old to be giving advice, but old enough to give a little. My experience will have been different than yours will be of course. However, there are some things that should always be apart of a relationship. Especially in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

1) Selfless. In every relationship ALWAYS think about the other person first. Even if they're completely wrong. They come first. Then you.

2) Be honest with the person. I have a hard time with this. I tend to be honest when I know things will be all right. And tend to not tell things when I know they won't be. It's hard because even though we could be trying to protect them, we're only hurting them and ourselves.

3) Being humble. Even if you are completely right about something and you know it. Humble should be your default mode. Seriously. Ask yourself "Did I do that?" or "Could I have done that? Is it a possibility?" Anythings possible. So put the other person first and be humble about it. Even if you're right. Because whats more important? The person or you being right? I thought so...

4) Protect. This doesn't always have to be physical protection. It can mean protecting the other persons emotions, protecting him/her from being hurt by others or yourself.

5) Forgive and Forget. Literally. Don't bring crap up to rub in the person's(you care about and love) face. If they're sorry for what they did and you forgave them than by all means let it go! It won't get you both anywhere and end in constant fighting and hurt. Seriously...let it go.

6) Do kind things for them. Surprise them, give random gifts, go have fun with them. Laughter is good. Talking about serious heavy stuff all the time will turn the relationship in to serious and heavy.

7) Be patient. I feel like this one is self explanatory. I'll say a word or two though. Give the person time. Don't expect changes over night, or even for a long time.

8) Listen. Hear. Understand. Those 3 words will keep a couple together. Yeah, you can listen to someone. But can you hear them and have compassion and feel what they're saying. And understanding is simply telling them you care, and even doing something about it.

Have you noticed I haven't mentioned love? Know why? Cause all of the above IS Love. Love is all of that and more. I struggle with every one of those. But at least I know and I strive to do each of them and more. Relationships are tough and exhausting at times...but the reason for that is because we are selfish people. And relationships are all about being selfless. Crazy huh? Its about sacrifice and doing things you do not want to do because we always want ourselves to be first. It pays off though you know...and in times gets better. Anyway just thought I'd share. Take it or leave it.

Rachael

I was born for this.

Ok. Did anyone else get chills when they watched the episode of Glee: vol. 1 episode: wheels? When Rachel and Kurt sang Defying Gravity? Cause my body was going crazy with goosebumps the whole song(and no I wasn't cold). I've heard them sing it before and I'VE even sung the song before but watching them...I don't even know how to describe it. Kurt is an amazing counter tenor and Rachel is just amazing period.

I just wanna pause right now and say how I can't believe I'm blogging about Glee.

Anyway, they're both amazing, and with my competition coming up I watch this show none stop. My point in writing is I feel like I was born for this...for music. For all the performing and singing. I don't know what everyone else does it for you, but it's not for the audience. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels walking on stage with the spotlight on me, and I walk up to the microphone as the music begins...and I start to sing. I feel the music I don't just sing it. All those kids on that show are so gifted and talented. God given talent. I mean, can you feel it when they sing? When any artist sings? I am so excited to go to college next fall, and dive face first in to all the music and training I can get. But as much as I love learning about it, I love doing it even more. Anyone can be as technical and as precise as possible, but when someone is feeling it and singing it, that's when the audience gets chills. Am I talking to myself? You're not gonna read this now because I had Glee in it. *sigh* I guess I am becoming a 'Gleek'(not really). Anyway, 5 days from now I'm going to be on Yardley stage. Singing with 12 other crazy talented(well, most of them) young adults. I've come so far and as much as I wanted to win, at least I made it to the finals. If my name isn't called I will try to be content with that, but I will say how much I want it.

My goal is to go to sleep before 2 am tonight. Yes, I'm still partyin it up because I don't have school in the morning, or at all this semester.

Ciao.

People say...

People say hard times make us stronger. Maybe the first couple times, but after that...tragic times takes a toll. I feel like I should be so strong right now, but instead I feel I can barely stand. So, why do people say that...why...
It gives me something to talk about certainly, or to give a word of advice or encouragement. I guess I know what should happen, but its not whats happening. It feels like a fast fall backwards down a steep hill. If I stop myself, I'll only hang there till I get tired and continue falling. Shouldn't I be able to climb confidently up that steep hill?
Everyday I search for hope. For something small to start to work out. The missing pieces start to be put in to place and instead I lose more pieces. Make more mistakes. Lose more. And hate more. I don't need to know HOW it will all work out, I just need to know it WILL all work out.
Should I stop in all this tension and breathe in its beauty? How is it that tension is even beautiful? How is it that everything around me can be such a mess and I still smile knowing it is a beautiful mess of a life?
I can feel my heart hardening inside my chest. I have shut down parts of myself in order to continue on. I do things I don't even realize until it's too late. So, again I ask, how can people say these things will make me strong, when this is the reality of what's happening? If someone could explain that to me, I will listen.
The heart is the source of the bodies life. When it stops, so does the body. The heart is strong, but even the heart can die. There is always hope, but where does the hope lie? And where can I find it anymore? I'm just searching...for answers and reasons...and if there are none, so be it. But there's no harm in asking. Or thinking aloud.

A bit of this and that.

Nothing like writing a blog post sitting at Starbucks drinking and iced coffee. I must ponder a thousand things at once cause I find myself thinking about a hundred things and don't even realize it. Like what is the purpose of my life, where wi I end up, why do people not see the tension like I do, do people think about life as in-depth as I do? Anyway you get the point. And then randomly I'll be thinking about why this girl is flirting with this guy when the next day she walks by with her boyfriend(different guy). It's none of my business but it's messed up. Why do you wake up in the morning? And don't say it's because you have to go to work, or you have rehearsal, or a date with a friend, or because you need to clean the house...why do yu wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Are you so excited about life? Yes it's a rather deep question. I try to determine my answer and never come up with a good enough reason. I need intense reason to get up and to keep getting up. Because I don't always feel happy or peace or joy. I mean, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking there is no hope for tomorrow, and then somehow I manage to get up the next morning and eventually it gets better.

I think the real joy lies in knowing all of this exist and knowing somehow even though I feel all this despair, I still have purpose. Like I'm meant to do something and be something. Hope is more than Just knowing things will get better, it's knowing deeply that there is reason and purposE. I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's just been lots of pain, and hurt lately and that's hard to get through on a whim. Or wake up with a hope that it might get better, but that it will get better. That I can make it better. That I am not helpless and alone or afraid.someday I'll actually belIeve this...for now I'll just keep telling myself this. To find peace in chaos, and to find love n everyone. It sounds good to me.

On to the next project...

This is the wedding scene from the play I just finished called 'The Pastor'. It turned out to be a really incredible show. I'm just sad its over cause now it seems I have nothing to do. And I just love theater, so I'd love to be on stage almost every day(not possible. I know this).

So on to my next project. This project is called KC Superstar. Tomorrow I meet with our vocal coach and he is going to help me pick my song. Not sure what to expect so this should be interesting. Then will come our various dance and vocal rehearsals. And ultimately we'll compete for finals on August 28th in Yardley Hall at JCCC. I'm pretty pumped and nervous for that day. So anyway, that's my next project. Besides that and 2 trips I'm going to keep this summer pretty simple. I think that's all I'll be able to handle. And who knows about school in the fall. Somanydecisions.
Also, if you haven't seen Green Lantern, it's good. Ryan Reynolds too. Gooood.

A tribute to my father: Matthew McGraw

His and my journey had just begun. I guess it wasn't meant to be. He changed my life. THIS has changed my life. I will never forget him. I love and miss you, dad. Goodbye.

Why should I dream...

Even as I cringe, and crawl
to the pit of despair,
I know it is wrong
and yet, I do not care.
The horror awaits me,
and I am left to face me.

How can I hope to understand. First, how can I hope? And why should I? It is but a night, and tomorrow the sun will spring up and wash away all the sorrows that drench the earth this very night.
Why does one sit in the darkness? To wait, and wait. A red eye piercing my heart from across the room. When I turn on the light, it is only the light from my tv. Turn off the light, and it begins to frighten me. The wind tears through the trees outside, and a slight tap tap tap as the rain smacks the pavement. And yet I still wait for you...in the darkness...frozen.
Death...it is cold, and soft. Awakening from someone else's dream, in to my very own. Forever.
There is no difference, only the transition between life and death. And then life starts all over again.
Why must I be insightful, and knowledgeable. If life is really so desperate and destructive why do we fight it? Because we hate the pain. Or do we?
I come off a high sometimes. Not a drug high, not an emotional high, but a high of getting the tasks appointed to me done on time and in time. Then I crash and question myself. Who am I? Why am I?
Compassion? Mercy? Kindness? Where do they exist in this world? Anywhere? If I can not even give them to the person I love, than to who? And who will give them to me? I'm TIRED of being strong. I'm tired...

It's been raining a long time now...

I never want to speak again.

I never write anything worth reading. Everything I write is what's inside my head, my opinion of things, my thoughts, my feelings. I didn't sit at the computer and carefully think and plan what I was going to say. I just...write it. I can make up stories. I used to write all kinds of stories when I was little. Some that were true and some that I made up.
I don't really remember having really awesome aspirations when i was younger. I wanted to be a veterinarian, I still kind of do actually. I always thought I'd make a good writer...but there are much better writers out there than I will ever be.
I played a lot of pretend when I was little. Constantly. It was like an escape. Probably an escape from wondering if my dad will come back to visit me. Or why he always went away. I was too little to understand any of what I was feeling. To this day I still feel too immature to handle what I feel sometimes.
I'd write notes on facebook, or on xanga(if we wanna go wayyyy back). People would never really say much. If anything. Oh gosh, I'm not looking for a pat on the back or admiration or "Wow Rachael, you are such an elegant writer. Keep it up!". I mean really, why would I want people to do that. Anyway, it just seemed it wasn't for me. Yet sometimes I would read others notes and people are commenting crazy hardcore about how amazing they are and I'm reading this note and thinking, "Um. Whats the big deal?". Everyone has an opinion I guess. Seems like the more you talk about God in a note the more comments you get? Just a guess.
I like poetry. Deep, dark, passionate poetry. I also like a good story. Something encouraging and a none 'the Bible says this and that kind of way and however you're feeling is wrong and you need to choose to not feel that way' kind of thing. Can you tell I'm speaking from experience?
Perhaps I'm too blunt, and too real.
It's just hard to be the bad guy all the time. To be the oddball of the group. To get the blame because you look like you can take crap. I'm sure you can guess I am not the type of person people look up to and admire in a social group. I always wanted to be though. I always wanted to be a great many things...

Want to know where I'm at tonight? I'm sitting on my bed, typing, a blanket wrapped around me, watery eyes, looking at my phone every minute, knowing I am nothing significant, and afraid to go to sleep. No list of things I want to accomplish, no great plans for tomorrow, no good feeling I'm doing anything right. No, no. It's just me sitting here wanting to never speak again. I know I have a voice, it just feels like no one wants to hear it.

To understand.

Is it so hard to understand someone? Sometimes...sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I am not understood. When both things happen simultaneously, I feel like throwing my hands in the air and repeating the word 'cuss' over and over.
It's the night before my last two finals. Its the night after a long fun day outside. Its the night where I lay here wondering if I got hit by a train because my body hurts so bad. Its the night where I don't understand and am not understood.
Do I analyze too much? Maybe some things are better off not being looked at too closely. Maybe some things we should look at closely, but have never really given it a thought.
Most of the time I find things don't make sense. Not to me anyway. I feel like a child sometimes going about life thinking I need to get my act together. Sometimes I feel I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like somehow I'm not fit to live anymore, or be anything.
Why are people so quick to tell you exactly what you've done to them, but in return don't want to talk about what they did to you. Leaving everything to be your fault and them blameless. What if we first asked what we had done to hurt them? What if we were willing to give second chances and trust someone again completely? What if little unimportant things didn't bother us and we left more things up to God instead of to ourselves? What if we just waited to see what happened? What if...
To understand and to say you understand to someone and really mean it is like...taking a huge rock off someones back. Like by understanding, they now feel able to breath again.
To be understood, is like someone telling you they love you and picking you up on your feet, and walking hand in hand with you.
It feels good to understand, and to be understood. I wish I could feel that right now.

Of broken hearts and twisted minds.

I'm winding down from today. I'm processing. I'm trying to understand.

I never know what to say or do, though I've been through this many times. Why am I always struggling to find words, or a touch? Probably because there are no words...
I hold my breath without realizing it. Then every five minutes or so I take a deep breath and everyone wonders if I'm about to start gasping. I just forget to breathe.
I sit there, stopping every few minutes and watch unfamiliar faces mesh with a familiar face. I see the same thing happen over and over. Hug, say the same thing as everyone else, talk, and we begin walking again. Finally we sit down, I still remain quiet. I watch people walk down the aisle, and walk back in tears and blank faces. So many people have come...
I hold his hand, trying to provide some type of comfort or security. The lights dim. My hand is being squeezed and I can feel my own heart beat. A man walks to the stage and begins to speak. He talks for only a short while, and music begins and pictures begin to flash across the screen. Pictures of someones life. The life of this person looks nice and well and happy. I wonder what went wrong. The pictures end and the man comes back on stage to speak again. I watch closely, but my attention is not on the man speaking. My mind is far off somewhere else. The man ends his speech, and tells us we are going downstairs. The lights come back on, people begin to move. I remain frozen. I'm still holding his hand; his breathing becomes heavy and unstable. I look over and he's staring straight ahead. I look away and hold his hand tighter while placing my other hand on to his. I listening to his breathing and realizing there are tears falling from his eyes. I'm not sure what to do. Should I hold him? Should I tell him it's going to be ok? Should I let him have it out and be down with it? What does he want? So I squeeze his hand a little tighter. Someone comes and hugs him and he starts to let it all out. I stare straight ahead. I put my arms around him, someone else hugs him. He gets up and yet another person hugs him, and another. I begin to feel the hot tears fall from my face. I look down at my legs and watch the tears(still running) fall from my leg. My mom comes and rubs my back and then she gets up to leave. I feel useless sitting here crying for no reason and being no comfort. I get up and walk to the end of the pews and sit, and cry and wait.
The last thing I wanted to see was someone so close to me start to sob. It breaks my heart. I should of braced myself. I knew it was going to happen. The entire event broke my heart. My mind is in overdrive. My heart is worn. I feel entirely helpless.
I end my story here.
The day in itself was, pleasant, heartbreaking, horrible, fine, confusing, hard, fun. Who even knows...I will tell you, I do not.
There. I said it. I wrote it all out, for you to read if you want. I can not control everything, nor do I want to.
"There is no such thing as a normal life. There's just life."

Where death is just a memory...

Lets rewind. Go back a week, or two. Where everything was fine, at least, it seemed fine. The world hadn't caved in at that point...not yet anyway. Isn't it crazy how instantly the world can fall apart and how long it takes to put the world back together again...a new world...a new normal. One action, one word, one choice, one thought, one emotion, can make someones world come crashing down. And then it takes years to build it again...sometimes less depending on the person.
Won't it be great, when we can one day look back on death as a memory? Something that once was, but will never be again? Oh yeah, death, I remember when that used to happen.
Instead of looking back on our loved ones...our friends and family as memories, precious pieces of our lives that once were and will not be again in this life...maybe ever. I wish we could make the exchange now...death for life. It will not be so in this life...

So we, eventually, accept our new lives without them(whoever they may be) and we carry on, through the pain(not around it), through the memories, and tears and anger. Keep in mind that one day death and pain and tears will all be a memory. The empty spaces will be filled. The tattered and worn edges around the heart will be mended. No more worry, no more fears. Sleep at last, peaceful dreams, and perfect love...

Truth. What is truth?

"What is truth, Claudia? Do you hear it, recognize it when it is spoken?"
"Yes, I do. Don't you?"
"How? Can you tell me?"
"If you will not hear the truth, no one can tell you."
"Truth... do you want to know what my truth is, Claudia? I've been putting down rebellions in this rotten outpost for eleven years. If I don't condemn this man I know Caiphas will start a rebellion. If I do condemn him, then his followers may. Either way, there will be bloodshed. Caeser has warned me, Claudia. Warned me twice. He swore that the next time the blood would be mine. That is my truth!"

This quote is from the Passion of the Christ. It's my favorite.

The discussion of truth intrigues me. I'm not really sure why. Really, what is truth? Can I hear it? Can I see it? Can I feel it? Some things in life I hear and I think..."that has to be truth." It goes right to my heart and pierces it. Other times truth can go unsaid...I just feel it. Truth scares me sometimes. I don't want to know what's real. I don't want to hear honest words. Why are lies so much more satisfying? Why are they the substitute for the truth? I make myself sick sometimes. I want people to be real and yet I don't want to be real with them. Granted I am very real with people in general. I'd be more quick to look and make my own judgements. My own truth. Not knowing the whole truth about them. When someone is real with me( for my own good), it hurts and I get upset because I know what they are telling me is truth.
If I know truth and want truth, why do I believe the lies inside? The ones that tell me I'm a misfit and I'll never belong anywhere. My insecurities, my fears, my failures.... Perhaps I really don't know what truth is. Some lies are the truth to some people. Is what I believe or think or feel, or want or reason truth or a lie? What if everything I grew up knowing, and thinking turned out to be a lie? But it was my truth.
Do we pass over truth because it's so trivial? I'm constantly in search for it. In people, in thoughts, in life... Becoming an adult is hard. Finding who I am is one thing, but finding the truth is another. And everything relies on it. On truth. If I don't know what the truth is, than what do I know? And who am I? And who are you? And what is life? And what do I believe in? And why?....endless questions...endless confusion. So tell me, what is truth?

Listening through the chaos.

One of my favorite things to do is put my headphones in when I'm in a crowded room, and listen to something calm(like beautiful piano music or something expressive) and watch the chaos. Maybe it's not chaos, but there are a million different things going on. Conversations, interactions, noises. And I feel as if I'm off some place else, looking in at that crowded space.
I usually find words are useless to me. I have come up with other ways of expressing myself.
I make music, sing a song, dance, draw...all are ways of expressing ones self.
Take deep breaths, lay there quietly. Do you hear silence?
Life is almost impossible to live without music. Some sort of stable calm...
My headphones and music in a crowded room remind me that there are bigger things than what I see. A bigger picture. Is life only a crowded room and chaos? Is it the calm music inside the chaos? ......Have I lost you yet?
Have I thought my life out? No. It changes everyday for me. I don't know what kind of person I want to be because I already am a person. If I change so be it. If not, well, this is me. I've been this way a while.
I hate the question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My reply..."I have no freaking idea." I could be so many different things. I could be so many different places. Why plan out my entire life and miss it? You set expectations for yourself and you get disappointed. Everyone has an idea of the way they want life to look. I'd prefer my life to have a deeper meaning then going to college, getting a good job, making money, getting married, having kids, living good. Then I wake up one morning and realize I have nothing. I am nothing. From then on I either live off in another world or kill myself. And who wants that? Not me. I'll take the calm music inside the chaos. Watching everyone else...waiting for something else...living as something else...

So much for my history homework...

It's been a long day. Everything has pretty much gone right...I think. But I don't like long days...I have no time to think...or too much time maybe. I just get tired.
I started to cry in ballet. I felt my eyes burning as the teacher was demonstrating glissades and assembles. I did the moves fine. The entire time we were at the bar I felt like a screw up. When the teacher corrects you it's supposed to be a learning experience, and I just took it as an insult. I kept telling myself in my head that I am not insecure. I felt insecure...
I came home feeling irritable. Nothing was funny and everything was serious. I have no idea why. A few little things happened after that that only heightened my mood. Now I'm just pissing everyone off and I kind of have no idea why.
So many things to do and so little time. So many things to figure out. I'm not worried about anything and that's what scares me. Maybe I should be.
I am a little worried about getting this homework done. Ha.
Simply existing. How terrible and frightening that is. No direction, no goal, no purpose. Wouldn't that be horrible? I feel like that sometimes. I think everyone does.
I have so many things inside that I could talk about and voice. I find myself telling people I hardly know because I've kept it in. And then I think, why did I tell them that? Strangers are sometimes the best people to talk to, you know? I mean, they don't know you. They can't judge you or think of you differently cause they don't have anything to go off of and they haven't the slightest clue about you. That's why they invented counselors. Ha. You're just paying a stranger to listen to you. I find that humorous by the way. People will do anything for someone to listen...care.
Well I suppose I should get to my history.

P.S. Ihop is giving short stacks for free tomorrow.

In my dreams...

Lying in my bed looking up at the ceiling.
Trying to to push everything out of my mind.
I'm so tired and I can't even doze off.
My head is reeling.
I have so many unanswered questions.
So many fears.

I ask God if He's listening.
I tell Him how horrible it is down here sometimes.
How unsafe I feel.
I begin to cry...

Sleep is only a distraction for me.
Someplace unreal to go.
In my dreams nothing can hurt, or sting.
I feel safe again.
I dream of somewhere far from here.
Of places beautiful, no pain is near.
I am whoever I want to be.
I can do anything without them stopping me.
But I cannot sleep and I cannot dream.
I am so weary.
So distraught.

I would give anything for a little peace of mind.
But I know it will not come.
Again, I ask Him if He's listening.
Because I don't think He is...

Magic, Adventures, and Russia.

I've been pondering this for a very long time. I've always wanted to be Russian. Ok, not always, but a long time. My roots are European, but I think the closest I get to Russian is Romanian. Russia has always felt magical to me. Everyones idea of Russia, is cold, dark, and suppressed. I've met people from there and have studied Russia well. It's such a fascinating place to me. Magical.

Six years ago, a young eleven year old Belarusian boy came to stay with my family. He was scared, knew no English, and was very far away from his country. Long story short, we bonded with him. Sergei is a huge part of our lives. Though we haven't seen him in 3 years, he still writes us, and we write him.

As far as adventures go, I feel as if I'm about to take one. We can no longer bring the Belarusian children to us, so why not go to them? There is a camp in Belarus that the Belarusian children go to for a normal summer camp. We go to share the love of Jesus with them, and to share our personal stories with them and mentor them. Sergei is going to that camp this year. The camp is July 9th. By then, Sergei will be 17, and I will be turning 19 there, if I go. This is where my heart has been for awhile, and I am excited about this opportunity. The adventurous part about this trip is, it will take me three days just to get to Belarus, and if I am caught talking about Jesus guess where I go? Yep, to prison. That scares most people, but I think it's kind of awesome.
Anyway, I just wanted to share. Sergei sent us a letter recently along with some pictures. I can't believe he's going to be 17 and graduating. In Belarus, the grades only go up to 11. I wish that's how it was here. Hopefully I will be able to go back with him after camp to meet his family and see his life there.
I better brush up on my Russian.

By the Grace in His eyes.

I walk in to a room of familiar people. I'm feeling a little shy. I walk in distant, waiting for a 'hi' or my name to be called. Someone calls it, I recieve a hug. I go to hug someone else in return, and I am rejected by a few words. I withdrawl. I turn to leave, but I don't. I stay.

An hour goes by. This game is old. I go sit and wait for the music to start, and suddenly am very cold. I go find a sweater and walk back in the room after hearing a few words of encouragement. A song is playing...

The song tells me I am loved. But why? And how? I am disturbed. I'm confused. He loves me. He loves me....I hang my head and walk in quietly. I withdrawl again. I sit in my chair. I picture every word being said. Grace, redemption, love. I am overwhelmed and at peace. I picture His affection, His love for me. The grace in His loving eyes. His eyes that are looking and calling me.... I quickly push the image away. What about today? Does He know what I've done? The stupid mistakes? The anger I feel? He can't want me. Why would anyone want me? The voices fill my mind, telling me what a waste I am. Then in the background I hear 'Oh, how He loves....". And I stop. The voices vanish. The image returns to my mind and I see His eyes again...He's still waiting. Waiting for who? For me? I begin to melt into His grace. I can't resist any longer. My heart beats fast and my chest feels like it's being ripped open. There is no time to think about my regrets and mistakes when I think about how He loves me...
The death that lives here in this world and on earth...the agony we feel. He still loves. He's still there. The world rejects you, I have rejected you. Yet, You still love...

I awake from this vision, this thought, and begin to sing the words I was once rejecting. Oh, how He loves...

Life can be painful.

I feel like a sinking boat.

Im slowly decaying.

The world is spinning.

And I've gone missing.

I'm tossing and turning.

Flying so high.

I hit a small bump,

and I fall from the sky.

I hit the very bottom,

and look up at so many faces.

I see nothing but darkness,

and shadows of distant places.

Oh dear, what can I do.

I try to use my wings,

I try to fly.

And I even sing to myself,

as the time goes by.

I'll get up as soon

 as I can catch my breath,

and before the lights go out...

I won't be caught by death.

Why am I still awake?

My laptop is warm on my legs and the air is cold in my room. I've been up since 8:30am of yesterday morning. It's now 1:10am. I went to school all day and did many things in between and then watched kids till 11:15pm. You'd think I'd be exhausted and out cold in my bed. I'm not, I'm making a new post. I don't know how to feel. And I honestly don't know what to say. Many times I think I feel or think a certain way because I'm so tired physically. Sleep is hard for me to achieve so I try to avoid it.

Here's how I feel(and take note that it's probably because I'm tired):
I feel:
Repleaceable
In want of too many things
Sad
Like everything is my fault
Like I'll never please anyone
Hungry
Wanting to do something worth something

I just feel so...I don't know...I mean, everything is fine. For the most part.
I try to make people I love feel better, but the ways I show it, or the things I say always come out wrong and I only make things worse. It's a horrible result. Because my motive for doing it was...shall I say, good?
I'm horrible with words. This is why I wish life was a musical, so I could sing and dance everything that needed to be said. I freeze up when people want me to talk. I don't even know how to show someone I care with my words. I can't verbalize anything. I feel like a child when it comes to talking to adults or supervisors. Granted, I am doing better through each experience. I think...

Does anyone else have this problem of verbalization?

My problem has never been treated.

It's offcial, children are precious.

I feel like working with children and watching them or teaching them would make me not want to have any right now. Or be ok with not having any. It doesn't; I only want one more. Haha. Anyway, children are precious. They are such a joy. Parenting and working with them is hard but I think it's worth it. Because the Bible was right when it said children are a blessing. Cause they truly are.

Just some pictures from work this morning.

What a perfect shot. Ahhh. I love them.

Gahhhh he's cute.

My space

I finally did it! I made my very own blog. I've wanted to do this for awhile, but thought I never had anything important to say. Well, here I am. I guess we'll see what happens...

What's on my mind?
Sleep
Calvin Arsenia's amazing music

That's about it. I need to get up for work tomorrow morning and it's way past my bedtime ;] I'll have more meaningful thoughts to write down next time.

Goodnight.