Monday, December 12, 2011

Tissues laid along the bed in a dark room. Christmas lights strung on the wall and the door, the only light in the room. Going through and blocking each and every painful memory to be found, longing for a clean slate to write new. Knees to chest and arms tucked around, waiting for sleep. Nothing left to say, the actions and tension in the room says enough. No more whispers of tears or fights, just to sit and wait for the morning and light. Maybe everything has been tried, maybe everything has been said. Still kept up at night, still being mislead. No more thoughts of going back, no more thoughts of fear. All the things held so close, seem to disappear. Put away the box of tissues, turn of the lights. The thoughts keep coming and going and coming, deep in to the night. Something starts to fall faster and faster, nothing left to do. The mind continues to twist and distort till it can never be renewed. Look up to the dark night sky, and see the magic in the stars. If only magic could be on earth, instead of stay so very far. The darkness is endless and light is limitless, if only this weren't true. I know what I should do...
The night slips in, and beckons me to and from. Farewell to night, I will escape, for sleep has finally come. Dismay has left, and dreams have kept me far away tonight. With one last thought of betray and trust, I bid myself goodnight.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Ready, set, wait.

It's funny how life takes its turns. I guess I shouldn't say funny, I should say interesting. One minute I have it all figured out, I know what I want, and I know how I'm going to get it. Then, life takes a turn, and suddenly I'm confused. Things I know I would have jumped at the chance to have before, have now changed to things I need to think about. Things I was so sure of, have now changed to things I'm not sure of. Things I thought I was ready for, I know now I am not ready for. Doesn't mean I want any of these things less, I just feel I'm in the present now. Not in the past, or the future...just here. I've never really just been here. I've always been some place else.
I've waited so long and now that it's here I can't take it yet. I want to, but then I know I would be doing it just to avoid hurting someone I love. I think most things are so much better when you're ready though...right? When it feels right, looks right, sounds right, and all of that.
Sometimes I wish I could be like other people and just be all ready to go when life offers it to me, or someone offers it to me. But if I'm not ready, there's no way I can succeed. My heart will tug at me sometimes, and then I know if I were to keep going, I would hurt it further. It's best to heal from something before starting something new. I mean, cause then you're dragging that with you while trying to start something else...doesn't make sense.
I will say, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself for not being ready. Angry with myself, even. Because it's like this, I have been waiting and wanting, only to find I need to wait even longer. Maybe not because people are telling me to or wanting me to, but because I know I need to. I never like holding myself back. However, I need to find it within myself to be at peace with waiting a little longer and not rush the process, because I know it will be so much better. God help me.

      Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I remember.

I remember the night you broke your hand. I was so scared. So angry. So confused. I don't even remember the date, just the feeling and what had happened.

I remember the morning I got a call from someone telling me he was gone. Dead. Forever. My heart dropped out of my chest. All the hope and dreams I had died with him.

I remember when I got a part in a huge production. Picked out of so many people. I felt amazing.

I remember when a childhood friend passed away. After all the prayers and weeks we had waited for a miracle. She finally left. Left us all. Just 15.

I remember when he came back after 10 years. I felt so cautious and afraid, and yet so happy and wanted by him for the first time.

I remember when you told me you loved me. The butterflies, and all the emotions I had never felt before. Wanting that moment to never end.

I remember hurting a friend. And not realizing it until it was too late. Wishing I could go back, and living with regret.

I remember when my grandma died. All the times I spent over at her house. How she knew I loved peaches and pickles.

I remember when I wanted to die. How I felt completely hopeless, and thought it was never going to end.

I remember the day music became so important to me. I felt so passionate.

I still remember....