Friday, January 28, 2011

Why am I still awake?

My laptop is warm on my legs and the air is cold in my room. I've been up since 8:30am of yesterday morning. It's now 1:10am. I went to school all day and did many things in between and then watched kids till 11:15pm. You'd think I'd be exhausted and out cold in my bed. I'm not, I'm making a new post. I don't know how to feel. And I honestly don't know what to say. Many times I think I feel or think a certain way because I'm so tired physically. Sleep is hard for me to achieve so I try to avoid it.

Here's how I feel(and take note that it's probably because I'm tired):
I feel:
In want of too many things
Like everything is my fault
Like I'll never please anyone
Wanting to do something worth something

I just feel so...I don't know...I mean, everything is fine. For the most part.
I try to make people I love feel better, but the ways I show it, or the things I say always come out wrong and I only make things worse. It's a horrible result. Because my motive for doing it was...shall I say, good?
I'm horrible with words. This is why I wish life was a musical, so I could sing and dance everything that needed to be said. I freeze up when people want me to talk. I don't even know how to show someone I care with my words. I can't verbalize anything. I feel like a child when it comes to talking to adults or supervisors. Granted, I am doing better through each experience. I think...

Does anyone else have this problem of verbalization?
My problem has never been treated.


  1. I typically suck at words in spoken form. My fear is that I'll lack the wisdom to make clear what I am saying...what my heart is feeling. I can speak very well...when no one is listening.

    I like how you said, "I am doing better through each experience." That, I'm sure, is true. Life experience is the best teacher, especially a life lived in touch with God.

    Rachael, my hope for you is that you learn to love YOU. You are irreplaceable. We all want too many things. You can't please everyone.

    When you begin to love you, your love for others will look different, too.

    It is not a selfish life to love self. 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Be as full of grace for self as you would for a friend.


  2. I love you.
    New experience provides opportunity. Keep taking them. and keep pushing forward. You have what it takes.
    Good job on the music! :)