Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I never want to speak again.

I never write anything worth reading. Everything I write is what's inside my head, my opinion of things, my thoughts, my feelings. I didn't sit at the computer and carefully think and plan what I was going to say. I just...write it. I can make up stories. I used to write all kinds of stories when I was little. Some that were true and some that I made up.
I don't really remember having really awesome aspirations when i was younger. I wanted to be a veterinarian, I still kind of do actually. I always thought I'd make a good writer...but there are much better writers out there than I will ever be.
I played a lot of pretend when I was little. Constantly. It was like an escape. Probably an escape from wondering if my dad will come back to visit me. Or why he always went away. I was too little to understand any of what I was feeling. To this day I still feel too immature to handle what I feel sometimes.
I'd write notes on facebook, or on xanga(if we wanna go wayyyy back). People would never really say much. If anything. Oh gosh, I'm not looking for a pat on the back or admiration or "Wow Rachael, you are such an elegant writer. Keep it up!". I mean really, why would I want people to do that. Anyway, it just seemed it wasn't for me. Yet sometimes I would read others notes and people are commenting crazy hardcore about how amazing they are and I'm reading this note and thinking, "Um. Whats the big deal?". Everyone has an opinion I guess. Seems like the more you talk about God in a note the more comments you get? Just a guess.
I like poetry. Deep, dark, passionate poetry. I also like a good story. Something encouraging and a none 'the Bible says this and that kind of way and however you're feeling is wrong and you need to choose to not feel that way' kind of thing. Can you tell I'm speaking from experience?
Perhaps I'm too blunt, and too real.
It's just hard to be the bad guy all the time. To be the oddball of the group. To get the blame because you look like you can take crap. I'm sure you can guess I am not the type of person people look up to and admire in a social group. I always wanted to be though. I always wanted to be a great many things...

Want to know where I'm at tonight? I'm sitting on my bed, typing, a blanket wrapped around me, watery eyes, looking at my phone every minute, knowing I am nothing significant, and afraid to go to sleep. No list of things I want to accomplish, no great plans for tomorrow, no good feeling I'm doing anything right. No, no. It's just me sitting here wanting to never speak again. I know I have a voice, it just feels like no one wants to hear it.


  1. You're a good writer, and the words you say are real. I can tell. Keep writing. It helps me realize what I'm thinking, and the words you write have strength. I wish I could help.

  2. Do you know your worth?
    Do you realize how precious you are?
    Not only a treasured friend to me, but ever so much more importantly to your beloved creator.
    I love your honesty. I admire it so much.
    Don't change for people, but be open to the one who has answers :)
    So excited to laugh with you soon.
    Always and Sincerely,

  3. Rachael, you have an amazing way of speaking feelings I could never begin to understand. Seriously, I'm not just saying that.
    You are so beautiful! I've always looked up to you, and your sincerity is so inspiring!
    <3 Love you