Sunday, April 22, 2012

I am ready to break.

Even though I just finished writing a research paper, I'm back at writing. Writing a bunch of facts and arguing a point is different than writing feelings and thoughts. So here I go...
There is a point in life when I feel something that feels like it is possible for everything to work out. And then I get thrown into a tail spin and I'm falling fast, in circles. In the past year, I have given into that tail spin, and chose to fall so very fast. I fell into many places...places I thought I'd never fall into. I was vulnerable, insecure, raw. It was easier to fall, than to fly. And sometimes thats just how it is, but not how it should be.
Anyway, I fell a lot, and a lot of the time did not get back up. I crawled and ran into things. Sometimes I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was looking at. A mirror reflection doesn't tell all though, just the outer, when so much could be happening inside. The inside I never even looked into to find out what was going on. I guess I didn't care. That being said, I still have a hard time waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. However, I always do. Somewhere there is a drive inside me that even I cannot find to break it.
But I am ready to break. Find a new way of doing things, of living, of seeing, of being. I am ready to break.
Twice today I thought I would break, but I have found myself being strong, or not easily pushed down. Pushed down by words, or circumstances, or situations. I have been angry. I have been upset. But I have not acted on them, and I did not break because of them. Do I want to? Yes. Do I want to quit on everything? Yes. Do I want to run away? Yes. Yes yes yes. I want all of that. So much. But I will not. If everyone broke and ran away when things became so dark, how could they ever find the dawn? Or a sunrise, or just a glimpse of one? Hope does not really seem to be around, but it doesn't mean I can't go look for it. Yes, it all looks impossible. So impossible.
I keep getting sucked back in, over and over and over again to the same way of doing, or the same places.   I can't keep doing that anymore. I know and admit I've been wrong or have done wrong. I know. I know not everything I want will happen. I know trying to make it happen feels like dying. I know I wake up in the morning with hardly any energy or drive to get up or to care. I know not everyone cares. I know people are hurt, and care only for themselves. I know best that there is a bigger picture to everything than what I see...or what anyone sees. I know to just breathe. Breathe through the pain, the tears, the jaded words, the anger, the hate, the dark... All that there is to do right now in this moment is to do just that. Breathe.

No comments:

Post a Comment