Saturday, April 23, 2011

Of broken hearts and twisted minds.

I'm winding down from today. I'm processing. I'm trying to understand.

I never know what to say or do, though I've been through this many times. Why am I always struggling to find words, or a touch? Probably because there are no words...
I hold my breath without realizing it. Then every five minutes or so I take a deep breath and everyone wonders if I'm about to start gasping. I just forget to breathe.
I sit there, stopping every few minutes and watch unfamiliar faces mesh with a familiar face. I see the same thing happen over and over. Hug, say the same thing as everyone else, talk, and we begin walking again. Finally we sit down, I still remain quiet. I watch people walk down the aisle, and walk back in tears and blank faces. So many people have come...
I hold his hand, trying to provide some type of comfort or security. The lights dim. My hand is being squeezed and I can feel my own heart beat. A man walks to the stage and begins to speak. He talks for only a short while, and music begins and pictures begin to flash across the screen. Pictures of someones life. The life of this person looks nice and well and happy. I wonder what went wrong. The pictures end and the man comes back on stage to speak again. I watch closely, but my attention is not on the man speaking. My mind is far off somewhere else. The man ends his speech, and tells us we are going downstairs. The lights come back on, people begin to move. I remain frozen. I'm still holding his hand; his breathing becomes heavy and unstable. I look over and he's staring straight ahead. I look away and hold his hand tighter while placing my other hand on to his. I listening to his breathing and realizing there are tears falling from his eyes. I'm not sure what to do. Should I hold him? Should I tell him it's going to be ok? Should I let him have it out and be down with it? What does he want? So I squeeze his hand a little tighter. Someone comes and hugs him and he starts to let it all out. I stare straight ahead. I put my arms around him, someone else hugs him. He gets up and yet another person hugs him, and another. I begin to feel the hot tears fall from my face. I look down at my legs and watch the tears(still running) fall from my leg. My mom comes and rubs my back and then she gets up to leave. I feel useless sitting here crying for no reason and being no comfort. I get up and walk to the end of the pews and sit, and cry and wait.
The last thing I wanted to see was someone so close to me start to sob. It breaks my heart. I should of braced myself. I knew it was going to happen. The entire event broke my heart. My mind is in overdrive. My heart is worn. I feel entirely helpless.
I end my story here.
The day in itself was, pleasant, heartbreaking, horrible, fine, confusing, hard, fun. Who even knows...I will tell you, I do not.
There. I said it. I wrote it all out, for you to read if you want. I can not control everything, nor do I want to.
"There is no such thing as a normal life. There's just life."

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure just being there was a huge comfort, Rach. I love you. And I love the quote.