Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I feel cold.

Let me show you.

How cold.

I didn't turn out how they wanted. They wanted me to be different, and I am. It's not the kind of different they wanted. Their different is like everyone else. I can't be like that. I never will be like that.

How cold am I? So cold.

I try not to let the tension eat at me. The memories remind me. I need to let go, because the cold is sinking in. Forget. Forget.

Once upon a time, things were different. Why try to change what's already happened...happened to me?
I still wrestle with it all. Constant state of mind of wishing and not wanting and wanting. I hate it. Don't do it. So much has happened in the soon to be 20 years of my life. Some more than anyone will every experience in a lifetime. Some good, but not a lot. Mostly traumatic, mostly my fault, mostly life just happened. I can't become bitter and cold. I can be compassionate, sympathetic, and understanding. Being there for people that others can't. I just have to crawl out of my safe, inward home first. Out of my angry, cold pit I made for myself and called it home. Afraid to connect, share, and let others in...

I'd rather feel the cold.

But maybe not anymore. I don't want to feel the cold anymore.

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