I remember.

I remember the night you broke your hand. I was so scared. So angry. So confused. I don't even remember the date, just the feeling and what had happened.

I remember the morning I got a call from someone telling me he was gone. Dead. Forever. My heart dropped out of my chest. All the hope and dreams I had died with him.

I remember when I got a part in a huge production. Picked out of so many people. I felt amazing.

I remember when a childhood friend passed away. After all the prayers and weeks we had waited for a miracle. She finally left. Left us all. Just 15.

I remember when he came back after 10 years. I felt so cautious and afraid, and yet so happy and wanted by him for the first time.

I remember when you told me you loved me. The butterflies, and all the emotions I had never felt before. Wanting that moment to never end.

I remember hurting a friend. And not realizing it until it was too late. Wishing I could go back, and living with regret.

I remember when my grandma died. All the times I spent over at her house. How she knew I loved peaches and pickles.

I remember when I wanted to die. How I felt completely hopeless, and thought it was never going to end.

I remember the day music became so important to me. I felt so passionate.

I still remember....

Put to rest.

It's hard to put something to rest when there are so many unanswered questions, so many wounds, and so many 'what if's'. An unconscious, constant battle in my mind.

"What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget."

This sentence sums up everything I have been feeling. I forget because it's too much to remember all that happened. So many things people say to me, some lies, some truth. But what about me? I experienced it too, and no, I was not too young to know. I have feelings, and thoughts, and the truth. A selfish act. The after effects no different. What's done, is done. What was said, was said. What needs to be said, should just be said. Maybe people don't want to know the truth. Just leave it be, and walk away. What's tempting me to look? Why do I need to know? Why can't I put it to rest? A call to search further; go deeper. Something inside telling me it's not yet over. Something inside not satisfied. All the memories and all the words were enough for me. Yet people want to say more, because they know the truth! Just taking everyones word for it. I knew nothing, felt nothing. Even when he's gone, they're still telling me the same old lies. Well I know the truth; my truth.

So much could be said, but someday it will be put to rest.

Coming out of the fog.

It's been awhile, since I saw reality. A strange sensation that what I hoped was true, is actually just a fantasy. A slap in the face, a whisper of defeat. A smile that makes one uncomfortable. "Fine", I say, "I see you". Maybe it's better to see the world and everything in it for what it really is. Instead of daydreaming of things long lost in the past. Things that I could have had, but didn't realize I needed or wanted. So much of my life feels that way, and it feels so impossible to let go. Ah...letting go. Such an easy word to say and a hard action to do. Sometimes it's easier to fall asleep...and take care of it when I wake up...or never...

I've been so afraid. Because of the things I've lost, or mistreated, or made a mistake with, or whatever...I'm so afraid to move. Afraid I'll make one more wrong move. It's hard to be sure and there are many risks. Too many risks. Well now, something ought to be done, and soon. Don't worry, I'm already thinking of something. Something that will help me breathe, and feel again. Something that will help me come out of the fog of my life. Clear out the cob webs and try again. I'd like to try again. Whether that looks like erasing everything I had ever written, or working with what I have. I know that, at least. I'm not completely lost.

I'll find my way out of the fog.

Relationships. A few words.

I'm 19. Not very old to be giving advice, but old enough to give a little. My experience will have been different than yours will be of course. However, there are some things that should always be apart of a relationship. Especially in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

1) Selfless. In every relationship ALWAYS think about the other person first. Even if they're completely wrong. They come first. Then you.

2) Be honest with the person. I have a hard time with this. I tend to be honest when I know things will be all right. And tend to not tell things when I know they won't be. It's hard because even though we could be trying to protect them, we're only hurting them and ourselves.

3) Being humble. Even if you are completely right about something and you know it. Humble should be your default mode. Seriously. Ask yourself "Did I do that?" or "Could I have done that? Is it a possibility?" Anythings possible. So put the other person first and be humble about it. Even if you're right. Because whats more important? The person or you being right? I thought so...

4) Protect. This doesn't always have to be physical protection. It can mean protecting the other persons emotions, protecting him/her from being hurt by others or yourself.

5) Forgive and Forget. Literally. Don't bring crap up to rub in the person's(you care about and love) face. If they're sorry for what they did and you forgave them than by all means let it go! It won't get you both anywhere and end in constant fighting and hurt. Seriously...let it go.

6) Do kind things for them. Surprise them, give random gifts, go have fun with them. Laughter is good. Talking about serious heavy stuff all the time will turn the relationship in to serious and heavy.

7) Be patient. I feel like this one is self explanatory. I'll say a word or two though. Give the person time. Don't expect changes over night, or even for a long time.

8) Listen. Hear. Understand. Those 3 words will keep a couple together. Yeah, you can listen to someone. But can you hear them and have compassion and feel what they're saying. And understanding is simply telling them you care, and even doing something about it.

Have you noticed I haven't mentioned love? Know why? Cause all of the above IS Love. Love is all of that and more. I struggle with every one of those. But at least I know and I strive to do each of them and more. Relationships are tough and exhausting at times...but the reason for that is because we are selfish people. And relationships are all about being selfless. Crazy huh? Its about sacrifice and doing things you do not want to do because we always want ourselves to be first. It pays off though you know...and in times gets better. Anyway just thought I'd share. Take it or leave it.

Rachael

I was born for this.

Ok. Did anyone else get chills when they watched the episode of Glee: vol. 1 episode: wheels? When Rachel and Kurt sang Defying Gravity? Cause my body was going crazy with goosebumps the whole song(and no I wasn't cold). I've heard them sing it before and I'VE even sung the song before but watching them...I don't even know how to describe it. Kurt is an amazing counter tenor and Rachel is just amazing period.

I just wanna pause right now and say how I can't believe I'm blogging about Glee.

Anyway, they're both amazing, and with my competition coming up I watch this show none stop. My point in writing is I feel like I was born for this...for music. For all the performing and singing. I don't know what everyone else does it for you, but it's not for the audience. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels walking on stage with the spotlight on me, and I walk up to the microphone as the music begins...and I start to sing. I feel the music I don't just sing it. All those kids on that show are so gifted and talented. God given talent. I mean, can you feel it when they sing? When any artist sings? I am so excited to go to college next fall, and dive face first in to all the music and training I can get. But as much as I love learning about it, I love doing it even more. Anyone can be as technical and as precise as possible, but when someone is feeling it and singing it, that's when the audience gets chills. Am I talking to myself? You're not gonna read this now because I had Glee in it. *sigh* I guess I am becoming a 'Gleek'(not really). Anyway, 5 days from now I'm going to be on Yardley stage. Singing with 12 other crazy talented(well, most of them) young adults. I've come so far and as much as I wanted to win, at least I made it to the finals. If my name isn't called I will try to be content with that, but I will say how much I want it.

My goal is to go to sleep before 2 am tonight. Yes, I'm still partyin it up because I don't have school in the morning, or at all this semester.

Ciao.

People say...

People say hard times make us stronger. Maybe the first couple times, but after that...tragic times takes a toll. I feel like I should be so strong right now, but instead I feel I can barely stand. So, why do people say that...why...
It gives me something to talk about certainly, or to give a word of advice or encouragement. I guess I know what should happen, but its not whats happening. It feels like a fast fall backwards down a steep hill. If I stop myself, I'll only hang there till I get tired and continue falling. Shouldn't I be able to climb confidently up that steep hill?
Everyday I search for hope. For something small to start to work out. The missing pieces start to be put in to place and instead I lose more pieces. Make more mistakes. Lose more. And hate more. I don't need to know HOW it will all work out, I just need to know it WILL all work out.
Should I stop in all this tension and breathe in its beauty? How is it that tension is even beautiful? How is it that everything around me can be such a mess and I still smile knowing it is a beautiful mess of a life?
I can feel my heart hardening inside my chest. I have shut down parts of myself in order to continue on. I do things I don't even realize until it's too late. So, again I ask, how can people say these things will make me strong, when this is the reality of what's happening? If someone could explain that to me, I will listen.
The heart is the source of the bodies life. When it stops, so does the body. The heart is strong, but even the heart can die. There is always hope, but where does the hope lie? And where can I find it anymore? I'm just searching...for answers and reasons...and if there are none, so be it. But there's no harm in asking. Or thinking aloud.

A bit of this and that.

Nothing like writing a blog post sitting at Starbucks drinking and iced coffee. I must ponder a thousand things at once cause I find myself thinking about a hundred things and don't even realize it. Like what is the purpose of my life, where wi I end up, why do people not see the tension like I do, do people think about life as in-depth as I do? Anyway you get the point. And then randomly I'll be thinking about why this girl is flirting with this guy when the next day she walks by with her boyfriend(different guy). It's none of my business but it's messed up. Why do you wake up in the morning? And don't say it's because you have to go to work, or you have rehearsal, or a date with a friend, or because you need to clean the house...why do yu wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Are you so excited about life? Yes it's a rather deep question. I try to determine my answer and never come up with a good enough reason. I need intense reason to get up and to keep getting up. Because I don't always feel happy or peace or joy. I mean, sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking there is no hope for tomorrow, and then somehow I manage to get up the next morning and eventually it gets better.

I think the real joy lies in knowing all of this exist and knowing somehow even though I feel all this despair, I still have purpose. Like I'm meant to do something and be something. Hope is more than Just knowing things will get better, it's knowing deeply that there is reason and purposE. I don't even know why I'm writing this, there's just been lots of pain, and hurt lately and that's hard to get through on a whim. Or wake up with a hope that it might get better, but that it will get better. That I can make it better. That I am not helpless and alone or afraid.someday I'll actually belIeve this...for now I'll just keep telling myself this. To find peace in chaos, and to find love n everyone. It sounds good to me.