I am ready to break.

Even though I just finished writing a research paper, I'm back at writing. Writing a bunch of facts and arguing a point is different than writing feelings and thoughts. So here I go...
There is a point in life when I feel something that feels like it is possible for everything to work out. And then I get thrown into a tail spin and I'm falling fast, in circles. In the past year, I have given into that tail spin, and chose to fall so very fast. I fell into many places...places I thought I'd never fall into. I was vulnerable, insecure, raw. It was easier to fall, than to fly. And sometimes thats just how it is, but not how it should be.
Anyway, I fell a lot, and a lot of the time did not get back up. I crawled and ran into things. Sometimes I'd look in the mirror and not know who I was looking at. A mirror reflection doesn't tell all though, just the outer, when so much could be happening inside. The inside I never even looked into to find out what was going on. I guess I didn't care. That being said, I still have a hard time waking up and getting out of bed in the morning. However, I always do. Somewhere there is a drive inside me that even I cannot find to break it.
But I am ready to break. Find a new way of doing things, of living, of seeing, of being. I am ready to break.
Twice today I thought I would break, but I have found myself being strong, or not easily pushed down. Pushed down by words, or circumstances, or situations. I have been angry. I have been upset. But I have not acted on them, and I did not break because of them. Do I want to? Yes. Do I want to quit on everything? Yes. Do I want to run away? Yes. Yes yes yes. I want all of that. So much. But I will not. If everyone broke and ran away when things became so dark, how could they ever find the dawn? Or a sunrise, or just a glimpse of one? Hope does not really seem to be around, but it doesn't mean I can't go look for it. Yes, it all looks impossible. So impossible.

I keep getting sucked back in, over and over and over again to the same way of doing, or the same places.   I can't keep doing that anymore. I know and admit I've been wrong or have done wrong. I know. I know not everything I want will happen. I know trying to make it happen feels like dying. I know I wake up in the morning with hardly any energy or drive to get up or to care. I know not everyone cares. I know people are hurt, and care only for themselves. I know best that there is a bigger picture to everything than what I see...or what anyone sees. I know to just breathe. Breathe through the pain, the tears, the jaded words, the anger, the hate, the dark... All that there is to do right now in this moment is to do just that. Breathe.

Real

I guess I always knew I was a different child. Runs in the family I suppose. Maybe. I spent my childhood being serious before my time, thinking and feeling way beyond what I should have at my age. I was ok with being alone, and playing alone.
Sometimes when I read a book, or watch a movie I get so caught up in the characters life I forget I have a life of my own. Sometimes, I'd rather be caught up in someone else's life, because I can't seem to get mine right.
I've accepted that most things are complicated. Even if they are described as plain and simple. I know there are consequences to everything, but sometimes I forget to care. I believe there are many ways to accomplish something, to get somewhere, and not all of them are right, or wrong. There's no one right way, because everyone is different, and has been raised different, and experienced different things. So the way one person views the world, and succeeds, will be different than how someone else views and succeeds...or fails.
Most people forget to be real. At least the ones I have met. I know a real person when I meet one, the person is always interesting, has a story(good or bad), and has succeeded, or traveled, or failed, or tried, or messed up many times. There's nothing wrong with talking about the Lord, or meditating, or quoting, or thinking about, or sharing...but most times people forget to be real. Anyway.
I'd like to go to Russia. I'd like it very much. So many things excite and fascinate me about it and I'm not sure why.
I feel like in everything we want to do in life there's always a give and take, a want and a need, and a sacrifice for the things that are important. One or the other, not both. Not both and not fair. Consequences to our actions.
Isn't it funny though, how a movie isn't interesting unless there is a huge overcoming for the character? A good plot, a good struggle or conflict? Why don't we want roses and perfection(I don't know why I said roses) and happily ever afters? One answer. It's not real, and we want real.

I'm not the perfect christian.

I may not be the perfect christian, or even close for that matter. All I know, is that God is real, and He's the only One who can save me. So I'm starting there. 
I've felt lost for a very long time. I guess my burden just kept getting heavier and heavier and life has taken a few rough turns in the past 7 months. I'm on a path of healing from some big things, but I've found myself walking farther away from the Healer. Seems crazy since sitting at His feet and being close to Him is where the healing begins. I guess you could say I've been pretty bitter, angry, and hurt. Not blaming God for what happened, but not wanting to go to Him about it since He allowed it to happen. I'd get so mad when people would try to give me scriptures and tell me how they were praying for me and it was going to be ok. Because it isn't ok, and it won't be ok for awhile...and that's ok. I mean, it's ok for everything to not be ok. Doesn't make sense, but I've lived a little. 
Tonight I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long while. The words are wonderful, I'd sing it for you if I could. 

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.


Isn't that beautiful? I was told tonight to think of all the disgusting things I had seen this past week. I applied that to my whole life and thought about the big things that had impacted me. Then I was told to compare all of those things to God's beauty. It was kind of amazing. His beauty just outshines this world. All the horrible, disgusting things I've been through, or seen or heard, and then I think of His beauty. It all sort of washes away, and that's all I want. 
I don't walk around quoting scripture, or holding my Bible, and I don't always talk about God, but I know His beauty. So I'm starting there. 

Absent in body and soul.

When I was younger and someone in my life would die, people would say, "I'm sorry for your loss." I used to think, "...but I haven't lost them. Where'd they go if they're lost?" Ha. I know now they were talking about a loss in my life. Perhaps a better would could be an absence, a disappearance or something of that kind. Because I didn't lose them. I could still see and touch the person(in most cases). If they were lost I wouldn't be able to find them. Poor chose of words if you really want to analyze it. It's more like an absence of the persons soul. A disappearance of WHO they were, not the appearance. One minute the person is there, the next your staring at their empty body and in most cases it looks nothing like the person. So strange. People describe it as sleep but one look and you know they're not sleeping. I can't feel them anymore. It's like someone made a manikin of the person and put it in their clothes and put it on display. At least that's what I always felt like, like what the heck is this?

Going back to where I started, it's not like I lost someone and couldn't find them. "Oh I lost them and decided to stop looking for them and move on with my life," no, sorry, incorrect. They became absent in body and soul. They disappeared from the earth, and from my life. That's how it should be presented and said. The last memory is their casket being lowered in to the ground and then covered up. A small monument is placed at it's head, telling who, what, and when. At first the place is visited often, and then forgotten. Not the person, just the place. The memory becomes the monument, and the place becomes simply a way for closure. The body is empty, and the soul has found another home. All of which is so far away from the lives of those who knew the person. Measured by the depth of the earth covering the empty body, or by another world. I'll conclude my analyzing by saying, loss has nothing to do with it.

Cold.

I feel cold.

Let me show you.

How cold.

I didn't turn out how they wanted. They wanted me to be different, and I am. It's not the kind of different they wanted. Their different is like everyone else. I can't be like that. I never will be like that.

How cold am I? So cold.

I try not to let the tension eat at me. The memories remind me. I need to let go, because the cold is sinking in. Forget. Forget.

Once upon a time, things were different. Why try to change what's already happened...happened to me?
I still wrestle with it all. Constant state of mind of wishing and not wanting and wanting. I hate it. Don't do it. So much has happened in the soon to be 20 years of my life. Some more than anyone will every experience in a lifetime. Some good, but not a lot. Mostly traumatic, mostly my fault, mostly life just happened. I can't become bitter and cold. I can be compassionate, sympathetic, and understanding. Being there for people that others can't. I just have to crawl out of my safe, inward home first. Out of my angry, cold pit I made for myself and called it home. Afraid to connect, share, and let others in...

I'd rather feel the cold.

But maybe not anymore. I don't want to feel the cold anymore.

Tissues laid along the bed in a dark room. Christmas lights strung on the wall and the door, the only light in the room. Going through and blocking each and every painful memory to be found, longing for a clean slate to write new. Knees to chest and arms tucked around, waiting for sleep. Nothing left to say, the actions and tension in the room says enough. No more whispers of tears or fights, just to sit and wait for the morning and light. Maybe everything has been tried, maybe everything has been said. Still kept up at night, still being mislead. No more thoughts of going back, no more thoughts of fear. All the things held so close, seem to disappear. Put away the box of tissues, turn of the lights. The thoughts keep coming and going and coming, deep in to the night. Something starts to fall faster and faster, nothing left to do. The mind continues to twist and distort till it can never be renewed. Look up to the dark night sky, and see the magic in the stars. If only magic could be on earth, instead of stay so very far. The darkness is endless and light is limitless, if only this weren't true. I know what I should do...
The night slips in, and beckons me to and from. Farewell to night, I will escape, for sleep has finally come. Dismay has left, and dreams have kept me far away tonight. With one last thought of betray and trust, I bid myself goodnight.

Ready, set, wait.

It's funny how life takes its turns. I guess I shouldn't say funny, I should say interesting. One minute I have it all figured out, I know what I want, and I know how I'm going to get it. Then, life takes a turn, and suddenly I'm confused. Things I know I would have jumped at the chance to have before, have now changed to things I need to think about. Things I was so sure of, have now changed to things I'm not sure of. Things I thought I was ready for, I know now I am not ready for. Doesn't mean I want any of these things less, I just feel I'm in the present now. Not in the past, or the future...just here. I've never really just been here. I've always been some place else.
I've waited so long and now that it's here I can't take it yet. I want to, but then I know I would be doing it just to avoid hurting someone I love. I think most things are so much better when you're ready though...right? When it feels right, looks right, sounds right, and all of that.
Sometimes I wish I could be like other people and just be all ready to go when life offers it to me, or someone offers it to me. But if I'm not ready, there's no way I can succeed. My heart will tug at me sometimes, and then I know if I were to keep going, I would hurt it further. It's best to heal from something before starting something new. I mean, cause then you're dragging that with you while trying to start something else...doesn't make sense.
I will say, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed with myself for not being ready. Angry with myself, even. Because it's like this, I have been waiting and wanting, only to find I need to wait even longer. Maybe not because people are telling me to or wanting me to, but because I know I need to. I never like holding myself back. However, I need to find it within myself to be at peace with waiting a little longer and not rush the process, because I know it will be so much better. God help me.

      Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.